Day 55

This is my last post of the year.

Yesterday my dad woke me up again. My aunt and uncle had invited us round for dinner. We had to leave at 12 PM. I wasn’t keen because I planned to spend all day working on my OU assignment, which is due in on the 5th. But as usual I didn’t have a choice in the matter so I went – but I made it clear I didn’t want to stay too long because I wanted to get on with my assignment. Another reason I wasn’t too keen on going was that they only eat three things: baked potato, chicken, and salad. Their ideal meal would be baked potato with chicken salad. They literally don’t eat anything else except for Sundays, where they have a roast chicken, and of course, if they eat out. Guess what we had when we went round? Baked potato and salad! Brilliant. When we got there my aunt hadn’t even put the potatoes in the oven, so we had to wait a couple of hours for them to cook. So we ate and it was a nice enough meal.

The main reason we were going was to play some card games and just chill out, but whenever we mentioned cards my uncle would say “Or we could watch a bit of telly”. There was nothing on TV so we just sat around a bit. Eventually we worked out the real reason he kept saying it, and probably the real reason they invited us round: their TV wasn’t working properly. And they needed my dad to help them fix it. So we spent the next couple of hours shouting out what the TV picture was like while my dad fiddled around with the aerial. And then we went home.

So our day was sitting around waiting for potatoes to cook, then staring at a TV screen waiting for it to work. I could have spent those 4 1/2 hours (plus the hour and a half it took to get ready and drive there) on my assignment. I was not happy. On the plus side, I wasn’t anxious. So swings and roundabouts and all that.

I’m just about to get in the shower, ready to go out tonight. It’s 7:45 PM as I’m writing, and my family have gone to a ‘social club’. I really don’t like the place – it’s really boring. But I also want to see the new year in with my family. So as a compromise I’m going at 11:30 PM. My dad will be picking me up so I can see the new year in with everyone, but not have to spend so much time somewhere I don’t want to be.

So happy new year to you! I hope you have a great night, and a fabulous 2012.

Days 52 – 54

I have three days to blog about but only memory of two of them… :/ Oh well.

On Tuesday, the 27th, I know I did something but I can’t remember what. I specifically remember because December 27th is an important date to me, anxiety-wise, and I remember thinking about it. Maybe it’ll come to me later.

On Wednesday I went shopping with my mum. We went to Chichester, which is kind of the biggest ‘town centre’ near mine. It was also where I went with my dad a few days before Christmas. My mum had decided she didn’t want to ‘go late’, which is her way of telling me to get up earlier than I usually do. My dad woke me up despite knowing that my mum and I had not set a specific time to go, therefore I had not chosen a specific time to wake up. He really hates the fact I get up fairly late. I don’t know why but he really, really resents it. If he can wake me up early, or just wake me up full-stop, he will go out of his way to do it. He takes such great pleasure in it, and the earlier he wakes me up, the more he likes it. It’s so weird. Just because he and my mum choose to get up at 5 or 6 AM most days, it doesn’t mean the rest of us should. I don’t wake him up at 7 PM when he falls asleep watching TV, or in the afternoon when he’s watching a film. And he always says “Come on, it’s only one day…” Well, no actually Dad, it’s been four days this week. It just annoys me so much. Actually, I will give an example of his pettiness over my sleep. One day, a few years ago, I had a really bad migraine. And as anyone who suffers with migraines can testify, they are a bitch. My coping strategy is to take some migraine medication and sleep. On the same day, my dad had planned to move the TV in his bedroom and add some shelves. My bedroom is joined to their bedroom by the very wall he was doing the DIY on. And the head of my bed is against that wall. So he was drilling and hammering about a foot away from my head, separated only by a wall. After a while I really couldn’t stand it so asked him if he could do it later because of my migraine and trying to sleep. Now, I could only half see him, but I could see the look he gave me, and it was a look of sheer horror – like I’d asked him to strip naked and run down the street or something. And then he spoke to me like I was incredibly stupid for asking him to do something so difficult. And therefore the answer was not only no, but you should also be ashamed of yourself for making such a request. So I shuffled back to my bedroom and laid with my head at the foot of the bed, unable to sleep not only because of the pain and the noise, but now because I was fuming too.

Anyway, back on topic.

Days 50 and 51 (Christmas)

I had a great Christmas, and I hope you all did too.

 

Christmas day was fabulous and I got much more than I wanted/expected (the only thing I wanted was a Kindle and my parents were so generous and bought me one). We had several people over throughout the day and I wasn’t anxious at all about that. I found myself feeling a little anxious at times but I think it was actually excitement and I was misinterpreting it – this happened on my birthday too.

My mum woke me up about two hours earlier than I usually wake up (she gets so excited about Christmas, bless her) so I was tired, so I would probably have been even less anxious had I woken naturally. Though I got up early I still went to bed around the usual time.

On Boxing day I had to get up early again for the pram race I mentioned in the last post. So once again I was groggy but I also had a headache. Then, while brushing my teeth, I threw up. Not actually while I had the toothbrush in my mouth – that would have been really gross but just as I picked up my mouthwash. Despite this, I still went. We went to my aunt and uncle’s first as they live a few minutes from where it was starting, and while we were there I felt really ill still (nausea and headache) and said I’d rather stay there. My mum was disappointed as for some reason she really wanted me to go, but said it was OK (because for some reason, she feels it’s her decision where I go and what I do). My sister didn’t want to go either (just because she wasn’t keen on the idea) so she stayed with me and we just sat in their living room for an hour or so watching TV and playing with our new gadgets (hers was a 3DS, if you were wondering ).

My family came back and my dad came back to our area to pick up my grandparents – and I was a little annoyed at this as he said I couldn’t stay at home during the pram race because he wasn’t going to drive all the way back to pick me (and probably my sister) up. I could have got a little extra sleep and possibly felt better.

Anyway, we were there for seven hours. Seven hours is the longest time I’ve ever been around someone else’s house (unless I was staying there) without panicking at some point. I think it was more about the atmosphere and the fact my aunt and uncle make you feel really at home, rather than it being because I’m less anxious. However, I had got up early and wasn’t feeling very well so I’m going to count it as a success.

Days 43 – 48

So much for posting every day. Haha, I’m so lazy.

To be honest I haven’t really gone out much over the past week. Like everyone I’ve been pretty busy with Christmas stuff. I did go shopping in a nearby, bigger town (than where I live) with my dad, to buy stuff for my mum. I felt a very small amount of anxiety beforehand because my dad can be a bit annoying. But it was fine. We were there a couple of hours, then came back and went into a few shops here too.

Other than that I’ve just been to the local shop a few times. It’s been too cold and I’ve been too busy… watching TV haha. No, seriously I have an assignment due on Jan 5th which I’ve been studying for but have only just started writing.

Today I went to the shop again, nothing too exciting. Obviously tomorrow I won’t be going out, but we’ll have people round which can be a little anxiety-provoking. On Boxing Day my parents want to go to a pram race, then round to my aunt and uncle’s. I don’t really want to go to the pram race but they’re insisting. It just doesn’t sound like my kind of thing… If I can get out of it, I will try, but if not then I’ll just have to try to suck it up and enjoy it. I don’t mind going to my aunt and uncle’s, but it sounds like we’ll be there for ages, which is another thing that makes me anxious. I’ll write about how it goes on the 27th.

So have a really good Christmas everyone.

Day 42

Yesterday I went to town with my mum. I wasn’t really sure where I was going to go but when I got out of the shower she asked me if I wanted to go down with her, so I said yes. We didn’t walk because it was so cold, my dad dropped us down and picked us up.

I do feel a little anxiety when I’m going into town with my mum. Only a tiny bit though. The reason is that she tends to spend a long time looking in each shop, and I get bored. When I’m bored I start thinking, and before long the thing I think about is anxiety, which leads to said anxiety. Luckily this didn’t happen; she didn’t want much and I was pretty occupied with shopping myself.

When we first got there I noticed how busy it was, what with it being Saturday and a week before Christmas. This made me feel a bit dizzy/spaced out and slightly anxious. I recovered when I went into a shop though and it was all fine.

Days 40 and 41

I am racking my brains and can’t for the life of me remember what I did on Thursday. I have a feeling I didn’t go out at all though I don’t know why I wouldn’t have. I will have to go back to posting every day because my memory is terrible.

Yesterday I went to the local Indian takeaway (with my sister, it was too late/dark to go alone), then the local Co Op on the way back. It was pretty anxiety-free.

Days 36 – 39

I’m such an idiot, I completely forgot to update this blog.

I don’t believe I went out on Sunday, though I can’t actually remember. I probably didn’t.

On Monday I got ready to go to town. I was going to walk in and ask my dad to pick me up. But then it rained, and I wasn’t prepared to get soaking for no reason.

On Tuesday I had my CBT appointment, and if you follow me on Twitter, or saw it on the widget, I was pretty anxious about it. The main reason was that I hadn’t been for a while, and it was kind of a ‘new’ experience again. But it’s also because you’re sitting in a room with someone relatively ‘unknown’ for about an hour with no reasonable ‘escape’. I mean, if I were to have a panic attack, there would be no way to excuse myself and pretend I need the toilet/don’t feel well or whatever; she would know. Plus it’s an environment where you’re talking about anxiety, about the feelings associated with anxiety, etc.. And thinking and talking about it, can make me more anxious.

So, all day Tuesday I felt anxious: from the moment I woke up until the appointment itself. There was that ache-y, butterflies feeling in my chest/stomach all day and I couldn’t shake it off. Despite telling myself that it was my second-last appointment and we would only be talking about where I would go next, I still felt completely anxious. The night before, however, I downloaded an MP3 of Paul McKenna’s on agoraphobia. And at about 11:30 Tuesday morning, four and a half hours before my appointment, I listened to it.

It was half an hour long and I was pretty tired, and I can barely remember any of it. I only really remember counting backwards from 300 in my head. I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds about three times, right at the end, and woke while he was counting back from ten for you to ‘wake up’ and come out of the trance-like state you’re in. The odd thing is, when I woke up, the feeling of anxiety had gone. The physical feelings I had felt since waking earlier that morning had completely disappeared. And even when I thought about the appointment, I felt pretty calm about it. And I remained in that state from 12 PM until about 3:30, when I had to get ready to leave.

I don’t know what it was – whether it was the actual MP3, or the fact I got a little more sleep, or a mixture of both – but I was really relaxed afterwards and not physically anxious at all. I don’t believe it is a miracle MP3, and I haven’t tried it since, but it helped a lot.

Anyway, in the car on the way to the doctors’ surgery, where the appointment was held, I did begin to feel really anxious. I even felt the pre-panic attack tingling/burning feeling. So I took a propranolol. It helped a little, but I was still very anxious. When we pulled into the car park, I felt it again and took another propranolol.

The last time I saw the counsellor she asked me to try to wait in the waiting area alone, as usually my dad waits with me. I’ve never specifically asked him to, but he does. I would imagine that this is mainly because he just expects me to want him to (which I do), and also because he usually asked what time she expects us to finish, so he knows when to pick me up.

So I made my way from the underground car park, into the surgery, alone for the first time. It was fairly nerve-wracking, but I carried on, signing myself in using the machine (which had no recollection of my appointment, but  that often happens) and sitting outside the room we normally meet in. I was still pretty anxious, but I read some e-mails on my phone, Tweeted about how anxious I was, and started playing a game. When she came out I felt a sudden burst of anxiety, which then subsided a little, and we went inside.

I was trembling when I was in there, but it wasn’t anxiety-related. I get it sometimes… I think it’s a form of hypoglycaemia or something, and when I get it it does tend to make me feel more anxious. But that subsided after a while (probably thanks to the banana I had in the car) and I felt better all-round.

Before I left I wrote out a small list of everything I’d done since the beginning of this blog (without mentioning the blog itself, I wouldn’t really be comfortable with someone I know in real life reading it, not even family), and she seemed pretty impressed. She seemed genuinely ‘happy for me’, not in a patronising kind of way. We just talked about what I’d done and how I should try to progress, and fortunately I stopped feeling anxious (well, I’d still say I was maybe 3 or 4/10, if I were rating it – but that’s low for me).

So my next appointment is my last appointment, which is a scary prospect. I suppose I have improved a little over the twenty sessions (over about a year, maybe a little longer), though I think I’ve progressed most during this challenge. That’s probably because I’m really trying to push myself now, and it helps that I’m writing it down (when I remember ). I just hope I can continue until I can lead a reasonably ‘normal’ life. And if I could really achieve my goal of being anxiety-free by November, I would be over the moon. *fingers crossed*

 

Yesterday I went to town, alone. I cheated and got my dad to give me a lift there and back, but in my defence it was really cold out. I went into Subway and ate alone (and Tweeted about it ), which is a big thing for me. The Subway in my town is really small, and there were only four other people in there. If it had been slightly busier it would have been easier as there would be more people for others to notice/look at, if that makes any sense. Though if it had been really busy it would have been even harder. It’s quite a complex thing. Regardless, I did it, and felt fairly little anxiety, although one woman in there did appear to keep looking/staring at me, which was a little off-putting.

I did a little Christmas shopping after that and then called my dad to pick me up. I wasn’t there long, probably less than an hour, but as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s a very small town. And I had very little money. But it was a successful trip as I was hardly anxious.

Days 33 – 35

I didn’t go out Thursday or Friday as I was still feeling ill. I feel a lot better know though – my cough is pretty much gone.

On Friday though, my CBT counsellor phoned. I haven’t been to see her since October, I think. I had been meaning to call (by that I mean, meaning to get my dad to call) to make another appointment, but things have been pretty hectic with my aunt and uncle staying etc.. Anyway, we have arranged an appointment for Tuesday. I felt surprisingly anxious when we arranged it, and for a while after. Well, I say ‘surprisingly’, but it’s not really. I’m always anxious about going. I worry I’ll have a panic attack or even cry, neither of which I want to do. I cried once at an appointment, but I’ve never had a panic attack. *touches wood* I’ve nearly always been very close though, and dosed up on propranolol. I would like to try to go without propranolol this time, I don’t know how successful I’ll be though.

I’d like to think of it as slightly surprising though, feeling the anxiety, as I’ve been a lot more confident lately from going out more. Plus I only have two more appointments left so if I did ‘embarrass’ myself by panicking or crying, I’d only ever see her one more time.

I’ve also been feeling a little ill lately (have I mentioned that? ) and have been tired, so that makes me more anxious. I’ll try to get some more sleep so when Tuesday comes I’ll be a bit more confident.

 

Yesterday I went to Tesco with my dad. It wasn’t that big a deal as a) I was with my dad, and b) we weren’t there long (we were looking for a Kindle for my mum for Christmas). But still, it was out.

Day 32

I woke up feeling ill again. In fact, I probably felt the worst so far.

However, my mum and I had planned to go into town and when I told her I didn’t feel like it she was a bit annoyed because she “could have gone earlier”. So I decided to go. Fortunately, by the afternoon when we left (we had to wait in for a parcel from Amazon – which didn’t even turn up) I was feeling better. Plus my dad took us and picked us up.

Anyway, we agreed to go our separate ways at some point because I wanted to buy some things for her stocking (I prepare a stocking for her every year… she likes it). My dad called while I was alone because he couldn’t get through to my mum’s phone. This made me a bit anxious because I thought I probably wouldn’t be able to get through either and had no way of contacting her… therefore I would be ‘lost’. Then I remembered I’m an adult and could easily walk home or call my dad to pick me up, and I was OK.

Other than that it was a pretty uneventful trip.

Days 30 and 31

On Monday I didn’t go out at all because I felt ill. I went back to bed a little after I got up. I was coughing literally every 30 seconds or so.

Unfortunately I couldn’t get to sleep Monday night, partly because of the cough, partly because of a dry mouth (I suffer badly with this), but mostly because I slept too much in the day. Despite going to bed early (10:30 PM), I didn’t manage to sleep until 4 AM.

I got up at about 10:30 yesterday morning, so I was still pretty tired. I had planned to walk into town and ask my dad to collect me but I still felt ill. I got ready to go out anyway and when he got back from work I asked him if he could drop me off and pick me up. Luckily he agreed, if I went there and then. I felt a little anxiety as I put on my shoes and coat, as it was so sudden and I had no time to think about how I’ve been to town alone a few times now and it’s fine. My brain just kind of went into oh my god, you’re going out now mode and I had the slight butterflies in stomach feeling, but I managed to ignore it and it all went well. I never felt any noticeable anxiety.While I was in one shop I saw a girl I was friends with years ago. We only really knew each other through a dance group we both belonged to but we were quite good friends (and are now ‘friends’ on Facebook). I really wanted to just say hello to her but I didn’t have the nerve. Not only have we not seen/spoken to one another for years (not because we fell out or anything) but there might have been the awkwardness of her not recognising me. When we last really saw each other I was a lot thinner (and I mean a lot) so there is a chance she wouldn’t have realised who I was. A few years ago I saw a girl I was at school with – we were in the same tutor group and shared a group of friends, therefore saw each other every day – and she didn’t recognise me at first. I was probably about halfway between the weight I was when she last saw me, and the weight I am now, so I doubt many people would recognise me.

So I never said hello to this girl. Not only would the weight issue have been embarrassing, but she might have asked what I’ve been up to/what I do now, and ‘oh nothing, I’ve been agoraphobic for the past nine years’ is not much of an answer.

 

On a more positive note, I have been off propranolol for over a week now, and feel OK.