Days 103 – 112

OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.

But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

Days 95 – 102

I haven’t been out a lot this past week or so. I’ve had to complete two assignments for this week so I’ve been slaving over them. I’ve been to the local shops a few times, as ever.

On Friday my mum had a doctor’s appointment -she needed a cortisone injection. She wanted me to go with her because my dad was working and she didn’t want to go alone. This, for some reason, made me feel pretty anxious. I’m not sure why, though if I had to think of something it would probably be because of all the waiting around. The thought of sitting in the waiting room (it’s been up to an hour in the past) and then sitting in the doctor’s room while my mum was being injected just made me feel anxious. The receptionist said my mum would need a double appointment, which made me think it would be a long time.

We were probably in the building for about seven minutes. I had built it up so much in my head that it was going to take ages, and that I would probably start to have a panic attack because it would take so long – I even took a Propranolol. So I did feel kind of stupid afterwards. Though it’s better to feel stupid than to have suffered a panic attack.

Yesterday my mum and I went into town. Today’s my sister’s birthday and we both needed to get her a card and presents (I got her paints, if you’re wondering ). That all went fairly well except my shoes were rubbing and have given me a blister, and I had a really heavy bag.

I’ve also just remembered I went to town last week – some time between the last post and this. I thought I’d already written about it but clearly not. Anyway, I went alone and ate alone in KFC.

Days 85 – 94

Wow, I just get worse at this.

I haven’t been out a lot to be honest. It’s been too cold and I’ve been broke (what’s new?).

I went into town last week. I planned to try to get on the train and go to Chichester (the nearest ‘big’ town). However when I got to the train station the next train was over an hour later and I wasn’t prepared to wait. When I can afford it I will try again, but look up train times online first.

I went to my grandparents’ with my sister. It’s actually quite a walk considering they live quite close. It was about 15-20 minutes there. There was a time that going there would make me a little anxious. The reason for my anxiety was that panicking while there would be so silly that I was scared that it would happen. If that makes sense. Anyway, that went well. We even stopped off at a shop on the way home.

My parents went away last weekend. We have a lot of family living in Devon and they have been going down there for the odd weekend for several years.  I used to love it – the house to myself for the whole weekend. I would encourage them to take my sister with them. But then one time a couple of years ago, when my mum was ill, I had a panic attack. It came out of the blue. I just suddenly felt very alone and scared, and worried about my mum, and had a massive attack. They weren’t coming home for a couple of days so I was petrified of having another one. Of course, I did. I had several over the next couple of days and it was awful.

The next few times they went away I dreaded it. I encouraged my sister to stay so I would have someone with me – a distraction really. I was extremely anxious from the moment I heard they would be going (from up to a few months before) until the moment they got home. This went on for about a year.

One time they were going away for about five days and I was extra anxious. I bought several herbal remedies online – some for anxiety, some for sleep. It turned out I couldn’t take most of them because I was on Propranolol. But I could take a few and those I could take did help – partly because they worked but mainly because it calmed me just knowing they were there. The time went by quite well, though I was on edge the whole time. I planned to do things (largely watch TV/films and play computer games) with my sister which were a great distraction. Slowly but surely, I got through each trip until I started enjoying it again.

This time, however, was the first time in quite a while as the people my parents stayed with and the main reason they went there now live here. So I was a tiny bit anxious. Then the day before I had an argument with my sister. She wanted her boyfriend to come round on the Friday after school. She had already agreed to not see him over the whole two days (not even that) our parents were away, so that she and I could spend some time together. I didn’t want him here because it would have meant the two of them shut in her room from 3PM until about 11PM, with me wandering about the house on my own like a lemon – only seeing them when I’ve cooked their dinner. I felt she could spend some time away from him for just one night. He’s here almost every day when they get home from school until 9 or 11 depending on the night. I was a little upset as she spends 6 – 8 hours solid with him practically every day yet couldn’t give one of those days a miss to spend some time with me. I don’t think I was being too unreasonable as until she started going out with him a few months ago she and I used to spend a fair amount of time together. As sad as it is, she’s my only ‘friend’, and it is a little upsetting to be completely pushed aside for a boy she probably won’t even be speaking to this time next year. I know she’s young and in ‘love’ but I’m just glad I’m not one of her actual friends. She hasn’t seen them since either. She is exactly the type of teen girl I hate – ignoring all her friends once a boyfriend comes along. If I had been friends with her at school we wouldn’t be friends any more.

Anyway, in the end she went to his house until 8PM then came home and we watched a bit of TV. But I was still upset the night before, and when my mum told me what she was planning I was so pissed off I couldn’t have cared less (well I could but I was annoyed).  And I did start to panic a little bit. I was worried that being on my own for so long would cause me to have a panic attack, which brought on a panic attack there and then. Luckily I managed to stop it before it actually happened.

The weekend went fine in the end. I managed to busy myself watching a couple of films, and then watched a couple more with my sister.