As I said in my last post, I am resuming my challenge now my tribunal and course are out of the way. I have a few updates for you.
Tribunal
Days 103 – 112
OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.
But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.
When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering 
).
I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.
Days 85 – 94
Wow, I just get worse at this.
I haven’t been out a lot to be honest. It’s been too cold and I’ve been broke (what’s new?).
I went into town last week. I planned to try to get on the train and go to Chichester (the nearest ‘big’ town). However when I got to the train station the next train was over an hour later and I wasn’t prepared to wait. When I can afford it I will try again, but look up train times online first.
I went to my grandparents’ with my sister. It’s actually quite a walk considering they live quite close. It was about 15-20 minutes there. There was a time that going there would make me a little anxious. The reason for my anxiety was that panicking while there would be so silly that I was scared that it would happen. If that makes sense. Anyway, that went well. We even stopped off at a shop on the way home.
My parents went away last weekend. We have a lot of family living in Devon and they have been going down there for the odd weekend for several years. I used to love it – the house to myself for the whole weekend. I would encourage them to take my sister with them. But then one time a couple of years ago, when my mum was ill, I had a panic attack. It came out of the blue. I just suddenly felt very alone and scared, and worried about my mum, and had a massive attack. They weren’t coming home for a couple of days so I was petrified of having another one. Of course, I did. I had several over the next couple of days and it was awful.
The next few times they went away I dreaded it. I encouraged my sister to stay so I would have someone with me – a distraction really. I was extremely anxious from the moment I heard they would be going (from up to a few months before) until the moment they got home. This went on for about a year.
One time they were going away for about five days and I was extra anxious. I bought several herbal remedies online – some for anxiety, some for sleep. It turned out I couldn’t take most of them because I was on Propranolol. But I could take a few and those I could take did help – partly because they worked but mainly because it calmed me just knowing they were there. The time went by quite well, though I was on edge the whole time. I planned to do things (largely watch TV/films and play computer games) with my sister which were a great distraction. Slowly but surely, I got through each trip until I started enjoying it again.
This time, however, was the first time in quite a while as the people my parents stayed with and the main reason they went there now live here. So I was a tiny bit anxious. Then the day before I had an argument with my sister. She wanted her boyfriend to come round on the Friday after school. She had already agreed to not see him over the whole two days (not even that) our parents were away, so that she and I could spend some time together. I didn’t want him here because it would have meant the two of them shut in her room from 3PM until about 11PM, with me wandering about the house on my own like a lemon – only seeing them when I’ve cooked their dinner. I felt she could spend some time away from him for just one night. He’s here almost every day when they get home from school until 9 or 11 depending on the night. I was a little upset as she spends 6 – 8 hours solid with him practically every day yet couldn’t give one of those days a miss to spend some time with me. I don’t think I was being too unreasonable as until she started going out with him a few months ago she and I used to spend a fair amount of time together. As sad as it is, she’s my only ‘friend’, and it is a little upsetting to be completely pushed aside for a boy she probably won’t even be speaking to this time next year. I know she’s young and in ‘love’ but I’m just glad I’m not one of her actual friends. She hasn’t seen them since either. She is exactly the type of teen girl I hate – ignoring all her friends once a boyfriend comes along. If I had been friends with her at school we wouldn’t be friends any more.
Anyway, in the end she went to his house until 8PM then came home and we watched a bit of TV. But I was still upset the night before, and when my mum told me what she was planning I was so pissed off I couldn’t have cared less (well I could but I was annoyed). And I did start to panic a little bit. I was worried that being on my own for so long would cause me to have a panic attack, which brought on a panic attack there and then. Luckily I managed to stop it before it actually happened.
The weekend went fine in the end. I managed to busy myself watching a couple of films, and then watched a couple more with my sister.
Days 56 – 58 (Happy New Year!)
Well I survived the new year, and if you’re reading this, you probably did too. 
I hope you had a great time, whatever you did.
I was getting ready to go out for New Year’s Eve when I last posted, and don’t even get me started on the getting ready part. I spent an hour doing my hair, only for it to not go right at all. I was so annoyed. I had to rush my make up because of that (I love applying make up, and the longer it takes me, the better ). I had some nail stickers I wanted to wear too, and in the end only a small amount of time to apply them. I messed them up too, so that also annoyed me. It was about 11 PM at this point so I quickly applied some gold glittery nail varnish. I then realised I wasn’t dressed and still hadn’t done anything with my hair. So I rushed to get dressed and completely smudged my nails. I managed to apply another coat which only messed up a little while I did my hair. Fortunately it was a clear base with glitter so it didn’t look too bad. I just wore my hair down in the end, nothing special.
My dad came to pick me up at about 11:20 PM. My mum had told me the whole night would be over at about 12:15 so I was not too anxious about going. But while I was getting ready to leave he said that the last orders are called at 12:50. Suddenly the thought of being there for about 1 1/2 hours really caused me to panic. I suppose it was that I was so used to the idea I’d be there for 3/4 hour – an hour max., that it came as a shock. I was so anxious - I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It’s like my brain seems to believe I am incapable of being somewhere for over half an hour without having a panic attack. I took a couple of Propranolol tablets and got in the car, trying to calm myself down on the way there. As we pulled into the car park I had to tell my dad I was feeling anxious and asked if we could wait a minute until I calmed down. I told him why I felt anxious and got reassurance from him that, hypothetically, I could go home at around 12:15, if that was when he started taking people home. That calmed me down a lot, though it’s just a safety behaviour and I shouldn’t have done it. However, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have been able to go in.
Day 29
Yesterday I went shopping in Portsmouth. For anyone who doesn’t know, Portsmouth is a big city (compared to here anyway), and it’s about a half an hour’s drive from here.
I had to get up early (in fact we left before I normally get up 
) and being tired makes me so much more anxious, which wasn’t great. On top of that I’m still ill and yesterday felt awful. I almost decided to stay at home but I really wanted to go – I wanted to get some Christmas presents and go to some decent clothes shops.
My sister was due to go out for Sunday dinner with her boyfriend and his family (you feel so pathetic when your 15-year-old sister has a boyfriend while you’re stuck at home like a spinster, but that’s another story) so the plan was for my dad to bring her back after two hours, and for my mum and I to come home with my aunt and uncle (the ones who have just moved out). I was a bit wary about doing that though as they are so slow and it takes them at least twice as long to go around a shopping centre than the average person. I was worried I would get bored and start to panic.
However, as I was feeling ill I decided to go home with my dad and sister. That meant we had two hours shopping. I planned to leave my parents and go around with my sister, which as I mentioned in a previous post, is slightly anxiety-inducing (because having a panic attack with my sister present would be slightly weird, which makes me more anxious). As I was getting ready I felt quite anxious – I got the hot, tingly feeling that usually precedes a panic attack. I think it was a mixture of being tired, feeling ill, Portsmouth being far and unfamiliar, and being separated from my parents. But fortunately I overcame it and it went well.
I only managed to get to five shops in those two hours, and would have preferred to shop in them longer. But fortunately I wasn’t anxious, so it was a success!
Day 6
Yesterday was a lot better.
I actually went out for a fairly decent amount of time which was manageable thanks to my leg stocking (last mention of this, I swear). I went to a Co-Op, but not the closest one. Where I live there is a Co-Op ‘just around the corner’, which takes about three minutes to walk to. However, further up the same road, another ten minutes, is a larger Co-Op. I decided to go there yesterday no matter what.
I have made this journey a few times, and it’s quite a nice walk: 25-30 minutes there and back, including shopping. I did listen to my iPod though, which is kind of ‘cheating’ as it takes my mind off the anxiety a bit. Eventually I will go up there without.
However, before I went out, as I was getting ready, I did feel pretty anxious. While I’ve done the journey a few times, it does still affect me. I get nervous about it because it’s a bit further away: if I were to have a panic attack or feel ill, for example, it’s a ten minute walk before I’m home and ‘safe’. Being ill (even slightly) while out is a big fear, along with having a panic attack. These are the main things that stem my agoraphobia and anxiety. I don’t want to be ill or have a panic attack whilst away from home, especially in public. Another problem is being caught short while away from home. I have IBS (sorry, TMI) and cannot use the toilet for a number two anywhere other than home (or at a close relative’s at a push). Unfortunately, with IBS, you don’t often get the chance to wait until you get home. So this is another reason for anxiety. Ironically, the IBS is most likely caused by the anxiety and/or medication for anxiety. And the IBS feeds the anxiety. It’s a lovely vicious circle. 
So, yesterday, just before leaving, I experienced stomach pains. This led to me feeling (more) anxious about going to the shop. I thought about waiting until the pains/anxiety subsided until leaving but decided to go anyway, to make it a little more of a challenge. Through CBT I have learnt that staying in and waiting until I felt calm and well is a ‘safety behaviour’ – something you do to calm yourself down and help relieve your anxiety. While they help short-term, in the long run safety behaviours are not a good idea. They maintain the anxiety by feeding it. By running away from it you are letting it ‘win’ and you need to face it to conquer it by doing the things despite the anxiety. But this is of course far easier said than done. In theory, you could just say ‘I am just going to go out and not be scared because going out is not something to be scared of,’ but in practice, it is not that simple. As with any phobia or fear, you can’t just turn it off. If only…
So, I made it. I walked to the Co-Op, went inside and bought something, then crossed the road and went into One Stop, bought something in there too, and came home. I didn’t feel all that anxious while doing it, and actually quite enjoyed the exercise. I did still feel self-conscious though, but I suppose that’s something to work on.
Day 5
I think it might be easier to write posts the next morning rather than at night when I’m tired and can’t be bothered.
I didn’t do a lot yesterday, but I did come up with a solution to my leg problem (yes, I’m still banging on about that!). I’m using the leg of a body stocking over a plaster and that prevents clothes rubbing on the wound. This has helped enormously, so much so that it woke me up last night because it was itching so much. At the time I was going mad – I would happily have scratched all my skin off – but I prevailed because I knew it was healing and I would be able to press on with my challenge.
By the time I was able to go out it was dark so I only popped to the local shop, and took my sister with me. As I’ve previously said, the local shop isn’t a big deal for me. It used to be, but not any more.
We have my aunt (mum’s sister) and uncle staying with us at the moment and it’s a strain for all of us. Read the rest of this entry »
