Day 8 – Week 2

As before, I didn’t get to go out until it was getting late. This time it was already dark so again I couldn’t go far. I went to the shop, the local shop which is a three minute walk. I’m disappointed.

I read another chapter of CBT for Dummies. It has some exercises in, I may document them on here.

I feel my family have become complacent with my condition.

Day 7

Yesterday was OK. By the time I was ready to go out it was getting dark and I didn’t really know where to go. I couldn’t go too far because it was getting dark, and there’s nowhere that close to actually go to. In fact, other than town there isn’t really anywhere to go. So I just kind of walked around some of the streets near my house. It was quite a nice walk, though I was a bit cold, and lasted about 20 minutes.

I almost didn’t go out at all. While I was putting on make up (I won’t go out with no make up on, I don’t have very good skin) I was kind of trying to talk myself out of it. There were all the usual excuses: it’s too dark, there’s nowhere to go, it’s too much of a hassle, etc… But I went anyway and I’m glad I did.

I read another chapter of CBT for Dummies before bed, chapter four I think it was. The more I read it the more I understand what my CBT therapist has been trying to do.  It’s a good book so far, it makes a lot of sense.

Day 6

Yesterday was a lot better.

I actually went out for a fairly decent amount of time which was manageable thanks to my leg stocking (last mention of this, I swear). I went to a Co-Op, but not the closest one. Where I live there is a Co-Op ‘just around the corner’, which takes about three minutes to walk to. However, further up the same road, another ten minutes, is a larger Co-Op. I decided to go there yesterday no matter what.

I have made this journey a few times, and it’s quite a nice walk: 25-30 minutes there and back, including shopping. I did listen to my iPod though, which is kind of ‘cheating’ as it takes my mind off the anxiety a bit. Eventually I will go up there without.

However, before I went out, as I was getting ready, I did feel pretty anxious. While I’ve done the journey a few times, it does still affect me. I get nervous about it because it’s a bit further away: if I were to have a panic attack or feel ill, for example, it’s a ten minute walk before I’m home and ‘safe’. Being ill (even slightly) while out is a big fear, along with having a panic attack. These are the main things that stem my agoraphobia and anxiety. I don’t want to be ill or have a panic attack whilst away from home, especially in public. Another problem is being caught short while away from home. I have IBS (sorry, TMI) and cannot use the toilet for a number two anywhere other than home (or at a close relative’s at a push). Unfortunately, with IBS, you don’t often get the chance to wait until you get home. So this is another reason for anxiety. Ironically, the IBS is most likely caused by the anxiety and/or medication for anxiety. And the IBS feeds the anxiety. It’s a lovely vicious circle.

So, yesterday, just before leaving, I experienced stomach pains. This led to me feeling (more) anxious about going to the shop. I thought about waiting until the pains/anxiety subsided until leaving but decided to go anyway, to make it a little more of a challenge. Through CBT I have learnt that staying in and waiting until I felt calm and well is a ‘safety behaviour’ – something you do to calm yourself down and help relieve your anxiety. While they help short-term, in the long run safety behaviours are not a good idea. They maintain the anxiety by feeding it. By running away from it you are letting it ‘win’ and you need to face it to conquer it by doing the things despite the anxiety. But this is of course far easier said than done. In theory, you could just say ‘I am just going to go out and not be scared because going out is not something to be scared of,’ but in practice, it is not that simple. As with any phobia or fear, you can’t just turn it off. If only…

So, I made it. I walked to the Co-Op, went inside and bought something, then crossed the road and went into One Stop, bought something in there too, and came home. I didn’t feel all that anxious while doing it, and actually quite enjoyed the exercise. I did still feel self-conscious though, but I suppose that’s something to work on.

Day 5

I think it might be easier to write posts the next morning rather than at night when I’m tired and can’t be bothered.

I didn’t do a lot yesterday, but I did come up with a solution to my leg problem (yes, I’m still banging on about that!). I’m using the leg of a body stocking over a plaster and that prevents clothes rubbing on the wound. This has helped enormously, so much so that it woke me up last night because it was itching so much. At the time I was going mad – I would happily have scratched all my skin off – but I prevailed because I knew it was healing and I would be able to press on with my challenge.

By the time I was able to go out it was dark so I only popped to the local shop, and took my sister with me. As I’ve previously said, the local shop isn’t a big deal for me. It used to be, but not any more.

We have my aunt (mum’s sister) and uncle staying with us at the moment and it’s a strain for all of us.

Day 4

I cancelled my CBT appointment.

One reason was that I didn’t feel too well, but the main reason was that not much had happened and I felt it would be a waste of the couple of appointments I had left. “What have you been up to lately?”, “Oh, not much. I hurt my leg and can’t walk much.” That’s not really an hour’s conversation, is it?

When I woke up I listened to a relaxation or anxiety app on my phone. I forgot which one, but I don’t really think it helped. I think I was  too tired from oversleeping. I’ve been wearing a new eye mask to bed lately. I often wear one if I have the TV on while trying to sleep. But this new one is a travel one and really blocks out the light. I’ve been waking up in the morning and because the mask is so dark I don’t realise what time it is. It’s only when I finally wake up, look at the clock and see it’s 11 AM, that I panic and rush up. It’s kind of like when you put a blanket or sheet over a parrot’s cage to trick it into thinking it’s night time.

So not a lot more happened. I never left the house (fail).  But last night I read the first chapter of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. I hope to read a chapter a night.