Days 36 – 39

I’m such an idiot, I completely forgot to update this blog.

I don’t believe I went out on Sunday, though I can’t actually remember. I probably didn’t.

On Monday I got ready to go to town. I was going to walk in and ask my dad to pick me up. But then it rained, and I wasn’t prepared to get soaking for no reason.

On Tuesday I had my CBT appointment, and if you follow me on Twitter, or saw it on the widget, I was pretty anxious about it. The main reason was that I hadn’t been for a while, and it was kind of a ‘new’ experience again. But it’s also because you’re sitting in a room with someone relatively ‘unknown’ for about an hour with no reasonable ‘escape’. I mean, if I were to have a panic attack, there would be no way to excuse myself and pretend I need the toilet/don’t feel well or whatever; she would know. Plus it’s an environment where you’re talking about anxiety, about the feelings associated with anxiety, etc.. And thinking and talking about it, can make me more anxious.

So, all day Tuesday I felt anxious: from the moment I woke up until the appointment itself. There was that ache-y, butterflies feeling in my chest/stomach all day and I couldn’t shake it off. Despite telling myself that it was my second-last appointment and we would only be talking about where I would go next, I still felt completely anxious. The night before, however, I downloaded an MP3 of Paul McKenna’s on agoraphobia. And at about 11:30 Tuesday morning, four and a half hours before my appointment, I listened to it.

It was half an hour long and I was pretty tired, and I can barely remember any of it. I only really remember counting backwards from 300 in my head. I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds about three times, right at the end, and woke while he was counting back from ten for you to ‘wake up’ and come out of the trance-like state you’re in. The odd thing is, when I woke up, the feeling of anxiety had gone. The physical feelings I had felt since waking earlier that morning had completely disappeared. And even when I thought about the appointment, I felt pretty calm about it. And I remained in that state from 12 PM until about 3:30, when I had to get ready to leave.

I don’t know what it was – whether it was the actual MP3, or the fact I got a little more sleep, or a mixture of both – but I was really relaxed afterwards and not physically anxious at all. I don’t believe it is a miracle MP3, and I haven’t tried it since, but it helped a lot.

Anyway, in the car on the way to the doctors’ surgery, where the appointment was held, I did begin to feel really anxious. I even felt the pre-panic attack tingling/burning feeling. So I took a propranolol. It helped a little, but I was still very anxious. When we pulled into the car park, I felt it again and took another propranolol.

The last time I saw the counsellor she asked me to try to wait in the waiting area alone, as usually my dad waits with me. I’ve never specifically asked him to, but he does. I would imagine that this is mainly because he just expects me to want him to (which I do), and also because he usually asked what time she expects us to finish, so he knows when to pick me up.

So I made my way from the underground car park, into the surgery, alone for the first time. It was fairly nerve-wracking, but I carried on, signing myself in using the machine (which had no recollection of my appointment, but  that often happens) and sitting outside the room we normally meet in. I was still pretty anxious, but I read some e-mails on my phone, Tweeted about how anxious I was, and started playing a game. When she came out I felt a sudden burst of anxiety, which then subsided a little, and we went inside.

I was trembling when I was in there, but it wasn’t anxiety-related. I get it sometimes… I think it’s a form of hypoglycaemia or something, and when I get it it does tend to make me feel more anxious. But that subsided after a while (probably thanks to the banana I had in the car) and I felt better all-round.

Before I left I wrote out a small list of everything I’d done since the beginning of this blog (without mentioning the blog itself, I wouldn’t really be comfortable with someone I know in real life reading it, not even family), and she seemed pretty impressed. She seemed genuinely ‘happy for me’, not in a patronising kind of way. We just talked about what I’d done and how I should try to progress, and fortunately I stopped feeling anxious (well, I’d still say I was maybe 3 or 4/10, if I were rating it – but that’s low for me).

So my next appointment is my last appointment, which is a scary prospect. I suppose I have improved a little over the twenty sessions (over about a year, maybe a little longer), though I think I’ve progressed most during this challenge. That’s probably because I’m really trying to push myself now, and it helps that I’m writing it down (when I remember ). I just hope I can continue until I can lead a reasonably ‘normal’ life. And if I could really achieve my goal of being anxiety-free by November, I would be over the moon. *fingers crossed*

 

Yesterday I went to town, alone. I cheated and got my dad to give me a lift there and back, but in my defence it was really cold out. I went into Subway and ate alone (and Tweeted about it ), which is a big thing for me. The Subway in my town is really small, and there were only four other people in there. If it had been slightly busier it would have been easier as there would be more people for others to notice/look at, if that makes any sense. Though if it had been really busy it would have been even harder. It’s quite a complex thing. Regardless, I did it, and felt fairly little anxiety, although one woman in there did appear to keep looking/staring at me, which was a little off-putting.

I did a little Christmas shopping after that and then called my dad to pick me up. I wasn’t there long, probably less than an hour, but as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s a very small town. And I had very little money. But it was a successful trip as I was hardly anxious.

Days 33 – 35

I didn’t go out Thursday or Friday as I was still feeling ill. I feel a lot better know though – my cough is pretty much gone.

On Friday though, my CBT counsellor phoned. I haven’t been to see her since October, I think. I had been meaning to call (by that I mean, meaning to get my dad to call) to make another appointment, but things have been pretty hectic with my aunt and uncle staying etc.. Anyway, we have arranged an appointment for Tuesday. I felt surprisingly anxious when we arranged it, and for a while after. Well, I say ‘surprisingly’, but it’s not really. I’m always anxious about going. I worry I’ll have a panic attack or even cry, neither of which I want to do. I cried once at an appointment, but I’ve never had a panic attack. *touches wood* I’ve nearly always been very close though, and dosed up on propranolol. I would like to try to go without propranolol this time, I don’t know how successful I’ll be though.

I’d like to think of it as slightly surprising though, feeling the anxiety, as I’ve been a lot more confident lately from going out more. Plus I only have two more appointments left so if I did ‘embarrass’ myself by panicking or crying, I’d only ever see her one more time.

I’ve also been feeling a little ill lately (have I mentioned that? ) and have been tired, so that makes me more anxious. I’ll try to get some more sleep so when Tuesday comes I’ll be a bit more confident.

 

Yesterday I went to Tesco with my dad. It wasn’t that big a deal as a) I was with my dad, and b) we weren’t there long (we were looking for a Kindle for my mum for Christmas). But still, it was out.

Day 9

Yesterday went a little better than the previous one. I went to the further shop, which was a 30 minute walk all-round. I was less anxious too, which was a bit of a confidence-boost. There was a point, on the way to the shop, where my legs were starting to ache  and I worried about how painful they might be on the way home. Silly little things like that worry me. I kind of thought if they hurt this much now, what if they hurt so much on the way home I can’t carry on? which I know is ridiculous, but when you’re scared of something logic goes out of the window.

Another problem I have is excessive sweating.

Day 8 – Week 2

As before, I didn’t get to go out until it was getting late. This time it was already dark so again I couldn’t go far. I went to the shop, the local shop which is a three minute walk. I’m disappointed.

I read another chapter of CBT for Dummies. It has some exercises in, I may document them on here.

I feel my family have become complacent with my condition.

Day 7

Yesterday was OK. By the time I was ready to go out it was getting dark and I didn’t really know where to go. I couldn’t go too far because it was getting dark, and there’s nowhere that close to actually go to. In fact, other than town there isn’t really anywhere to go. So I just kind of walked around some of the streets near my house. It was quite a nice walk, though I was a bit cold, and lasted about 20 minutes.

I almost didn’t go out at all. While I was putting on make up (I won’t go out with no make up on, I don’t have very good skin) I was kind of trying to talk myself out of it. There were all the usual excuses: it’s too dark, there’s nowhere to go, it’s too much of a hassle, etc… But I went anyway and I’m glad I did.

I read another chapter of CBT for Dummies before bed, chapter four I think it was. The more I read it the more I understand what my CBT therapist has been trying to do.  It’s a good book so far, it makes a lot of sense.