Days 103 – 112

OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.

But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

Living on Benefits and My Current Situation

The title of this post should be Not Living on Benefits right now.

So all of my adult life I have had to receive a state benefit. I hate it. I feel like a ‘scrounger’ or some kind of fraud. Technically I’m not either but it’s because I’m not physically unable to work I feel like I don’t deserve any money. People do point out that certain benefits are there for people ‘like me’, which is true, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. And what makes things worse is that people think that those on benefits are scroungers and frauds, and that it’s an easy life. Yes, some people are, but I’d imagine most people aren’t. So here’s my personal case.

I have been receiving Incapacity Benefit for several years. There was another one before that but I had to switch. I can’t remember what that one was called. Anyway, I get paid around £105 a week, paid fortnightly. Some people will probably think that’s a lot, others will think it’s ridiculous. I think it’s a fair amount considering I’m not working. However, I pay my parents £50 a week ‘rent’, which again I think is fair as I am living under their roof, using their electricity etc. This is not taken into account with the DWP who believe that as I’m living with family I’m living rent-free. So that leaves me with £55 a week to spend on food, toiletries, clothes, phone credit (I could never afford a contract) and any luxuries I may be able to afford. On top of that I have to pay for prescriptions, which is five medications every 1-2 months depending on the dosage at £7.20 each. And I have to pay for dental appointments/treatment, and optical appointments and glasses. It’s definitely not an ‘easy life’.

Which brings me on to my current situation. Incapacity Benefit is being phased out and those on it need to move to another benefit, Employment and Support Allowance. But it’s not as simple as just switching, I had to fill out a long form, then have a medical examination, to prove you can’t work (you also have to have one every 1-2 years while on benefits). Which again is fair enough. However, practically all the questions are about what you can do physically, and physically I am fine (other than needing to lose some weight). And the questions regarding mental health are not exactly relevant – for example, am I violent, can I wash and dress myself, can I cope with change. Whenever I have one of these exams I am anxious from the moment I find out about it right up until it’s over. Which can be several months of anxiety which makes me even less able to go out. I can’t go to the medical centre they’re held in so I have to have a home visit.

So I had my home visit, dosing myself up on Propranolol beforehand to try to make sure I didn’t have a panic attack during. My mum was in the room next door as I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I was alone in the house. The guy was nice though English wasn’t his native language so I did have trouble understanding him at times. When it was finished he said he would ‘do his best for me’, which I thought was nice. However, a couple of months later I received a letter telling me I failed the exam. You need to score 15 points to receive the benefit and I scored 6. I had a feeling it would be low as my mum had an exam two years before because she was having chemotherapy. When she had had her last chemo session she had to have the assessment, and she scored 0 points. That’s right – zero. A woman who was still recovering from cancer and (aggressive) chemotherapy scored no points because she was able to lift her arm and wash and dress herself. She also had to prove she had cancer by bringing along all her hospital records, when she had all her chemotherapy and radiotherapy, everything. I think she had to have blood tests too. She had the choice to appeal the decision but refused because she had been through enough, so she had to return to work. She’s a professional cleaner and she works quickly. Two months later (or possibly less) she had a heart attack. She still refused to stay off work and returned as soon as she could, because again she didn’t want to have to go through it all.

I also had the choice to appeal. I did though because going out to work, right now, is not an option. My Incapacity Benefit stopped on 19th October and I had one month (from 27th September) to send off an appeal form, explaining why I disagreed with their decision, and to send ‘evidence’. My CBT counsellor helped me to write it and I sent it off. About a month later, having had no response, my dad called (I can’t speak to people on the phone – unless they’re family) and they said they were waiting for ‘evidence’. I had written on the form my CBT counsellor’s details and my GP’s details and that they could phone, but they actually wanted a medical certificate. This had been holding up my ‘claim’. My GP was very helpful and wrote one as soon as possible. However, the next day I received a letter to say they had looked at the appeal and still hadn’t changed their minds. The letter itself was sent out the day before my dad called them, so I can only imagine they made their decision partly based on the lack of ‘evidence’. So he called them again and they said that they weren’t involved and it was the Incapacity Benefit people’s job. So eventually they sorted it and I had to send my medical certificate to them.

But this was a few days ago and I still don’t know what’s going on. If the medical certificate is being handled by the Incapacity guys does that mean my ESA appeal was still rejected? If so that means it has to go to a tribunal. I can’t attend that myself but I can have a representative. Which then means I have to go over it all again with another stranger and still might get turned down. If that happens I don’t know what I’m going to do. But right now I have no money, but extra anxiety. Brilliant.

 

Day 14

Yesterday was another success, yay! It was around 3:00 PM when I was in the middle of getting ready to go out. I was putting on some make up and wondering where I should go, when I remembered my mum had a doctor’s appointment at about 4PM. The doctors’ surgery is about two streets away from the town centre so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for me to go with her and my dad and walk into town from there.

In the car on the way to the surgery I did suddenly get a wave of panic and asked myself what the hell I was doing, what if I have a panic attack, etc. etc. This was all internally, my parents had no idea what was happening. I can’t exactly remember what I did to calm myself down, I probably told myself that I’d been there before and it had been fine, that it wouldn’t be for long, or that I could sit on a bench outside the doctors’/wait by the car. Or possibly a combination of all three. Whatever it was, it worked.

I started to feel anxious again during the walk from the surgery into town, but carried on. When I got there I kind of wanted to do a little extra, push myself a bit. So I decided to go into McDonald’s, alone. Being in a restaurant (I include fast food places as ‘restaurants’) alone is one of my fears, I actually went through it with my CBT counsellor. She got me to list all the things that scared me about it. I can’t remember them all now, but I’ll have a go off the top of my head…

• having a panic attack – obviously this is the main fear that the anxiety/panic centres around, which in this instance then branches into two sub-fears: having a panic attack in a public place; and having a panic attack alone (not forgetting being ‘far’ from home – my ‘safe place’, and fairly far from my parents – my ‘safe people’)
• having to leave my food in order to ‘escape’ and drawing attention to myself/the situation
• falling/spilling food (obviously this is also the case when eating with others but would be 1000x worse alone)
• being thought of as ‘friendless’  - this is not as big a deal as it was when I was a teenager, when anyone alone would be judged a ‘loner’, but it still is a tiny issue
• being thought of as ‘greedy’ – overweight girl eating alone in McDonald’s (they wouldn’t know I haven’t been in there for nearly a year)
• a group of teenagers showing off and deciding to pick on/make fun of someone sitting by themselves (it’s a long-shot but come on, we all know what teens can be like)

That’s all I can think of, and was probably my list.

Anyway, as I approached McDonald’s I saw that it was busy and there was a long queue, so I decided against it and walked past. I considered going into KFC, which is the next busiest place in town, but instead turned around and went back to McDonald’s. I figured if I was going to do it, I might as well go with my original plan.

I queued for 11 minutes (yes, I timed it ) and when I first joined the back of the queue I felt a wave of panic again but I managed to overcome it. I spent most of the time listening to the conversation of the two women in front of me.

I got my cheeseburger (which was 99p, they were 69p the last time I bought one!) and sat alone at a table. It was a table for four, and I felt a little uneasy in case a group of four would want to sit together but couldn’t because the selfish girl sat alone was taking a whole table to herself. When I sat down I noticed there were a few other tables for four available, so I didn’t worry about it too much. Ordinarily I would take my coat off to eat but I only had a short-sleeved top on underneath and didn’t want my fat upper arms on show. I had to fold the sleeves over because they were long and it was a cream coat, and I could just see myself getting them dirty. I felt a bit of a wally doing it though.

Obviously, having only ordered a cheeseburger, I was finished quite quickly – though I ate it more slowly than I usually would through fear of looking greedy. And usually, once I’ve finished eating in a restaurant as soon as possible for two reasons: a) the longer I stick around the more likely I am to get bored then start thinking things that make me anxious, and b) because of IBS, meals are often followed by bad stomach pains (especially after beef) and the need to use the toilet. But instead I stayed for a bit. Not long, maybe ten minutes or so, but I couldn’t have stayed too long as I was meeting my parents in town.

I wasn’t too anxious sitting there, which I think was partly because I knew I could get up and leave at any point. I did a bit of people-watching, and after a few minutes read some e-mails on my phone (in the process looking a bit like I was texting someone and thus not looking too friendless ).

After I left I looked in a few shops and waited for my dad to call to say they were out of the doctors’, which they did after about 20 minutes. I did get some stomach cramps a few minutes after leaving McDonald’s, and had a bit of a wobble about it, but I ignored them and they went away.

- A few things I noticed while I was out:

• No one was looking/staring at or even noticing me. Although I already know this, I still feel self-conscious.
• Despite already knowing how much money I have in my purse, having looked through it before leaving, I always worry when I go to pay for things that it will be empty/I won’t have enough to pay for things and have to put something back. Although I’m not so bad now I would often check at least once on the way to wherever I was heading. I’m not really sure what I think will have happened, whether I miscounted, imagined counting it/remembered an amount from a different day, or that it will have just disappeared magically.
• I worry too much about having food around my face. When I’m with someone I will wipe around my mouth, ask them if I have food anywhere, then wipe again a few more times even if they said no. I wiped my face more while I was alone as there was no one there to check for me.

So overall I was pretty pleased with myself. I managed one of my fears/goals and felt low anxiety through most of it.