And I’m Back

As I said in my last post, I am resuming my challenge now my tribunal and course are out of the way. I have a few updates for you.

Tribunal

I’m Still Here

Yep, I’m still here. I haven’t given up on my journey but I have delayed it a bit. I will resume on the 18th, hopefully.

The main reason I have ‘stopped’ for the moment is this whole tribunal business. I finally have a date – the 10th, so only a week’s time. My dad will be going in my place, bless him, and he has been given some advice by a guy from the CAB. This guy may be going too, but he doesn’t know if he is ‘allowed’. So fingers crossed.

The other reason is my course. My final assignment is due in on the 17th and then I will have plenty of time to concentrate on trying to get out. I will hopefully be able to put all my efforts into this (and trying to lose weight, still).

Days 103 – 112

OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.

But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

Days 56 – 58 (Happy New Year!)

Well I survived the new year, and if you’re reading this, you probably did too. I hope you had a great time, whatever you did.

I was getting ready to go out for New Year’s Eve when I last posted, and don’t even get me started on the getting ready part. I spent an hour doing my hair, only for it to not go right at all. I was so annoyed. I had to rush my make up because of that (I love applying make up, and the longer it takes me, the better ).  I had some nail stickers I wanted to wear too, and in the end only a small amount of time to apply them. I messed them up too, so that also annoyed me. It was about 11 PM at this point so I quickly applied some gold glittery nail varnish. I then realised I wasn’t dressed and still hadn’t done anything with my hair. So I rushed to get dressed and completely smudged my nails. I managed to apply another coat which only messed up a little while I did my hair. Fortunately it was a clear base with glitter so it didn’t look too bad. I just wore my hair down in the end, nothing special.

My dad came to pick me up at about 11:20 PM. My mum had told me the whole night would be over at about 12:15 so I was not too anxious about going. But while I was getting ready to leave he said that the last orders are called at 12:50. Suddenly the thought of being there for about 1 1/2 hours really caused me to panic. I suppose it was that I was so used to the idea I’d be there for 3/4 hour – an hour max., that it came as a shock. I was so anxious  - I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It’s like my brain seems to believe I am incapable of being somewhere for over half an hour without having a panic attack. I took a couple of Propranolol tablets and got in the car, trying to calm myself down on the way there. As we pulled into the car park I had to tell my dad I was feeling anxious and asked if we could wait a minute until I calmed down. I told him why I felt anxious and got reassurance from him that, hypothetically, I could go home at around 12:15, if that was when he started taking people home. That calmed me down a lot, though it’s just a safety behaviour and I shouldn’t have done it. However, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have been able to go in.

Living on Benefits and My Current Situation

The title of this post should be Not Living on Benefits right now.

So all of my adult life I have had to receive a state benefit. I hate it. I feel like a ‘scrounger’ or some kind of fraud. Technically I’m not either but it’s because I’m not physically unable to work I feel like I don’t deserve any money. People do point out that certain benefits are there for people ‘like me’, which is true, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. And what makes things worse is that people think that those on benefits are scroungers and frauds, and that it’s an easy life. Yes, some people are, but I’d imagine most people aren’t. So here’s my personal case.

I have been receiving Incapacity Benefit for several years. There was another one before that but I had to switch. I can’t remember what that one was called. Anyway, I get paid around £105 a week, paid fortnightly. Some people will probably think that’s a lot, others will think it’s ridiculous. I think it’s a fair amount considering I’m not working. However, I pay my parents £50 a week ‘rent’, which again I think is fair as I am living under their roof, using their electricity etc. This is not taken into account with the DWP who believe that as I’m living with family I’m living rent-free. So that leaves me with £55 a week to spend on food, toiletries, clothes, phone credit (I could never afford a contract) and any luxuries I may be able to afford. On top of that I have to pay for prescriptions, which is five medications every 1-2 months depending on the dosage at £7.20 each. And I have to pay for dental appointments/treatment, and optical appointments and glasses. It’s definitely not an ‘easy life’.

Which brings me on to my current situation. Incapacity Benefit is being phased out and those on it need to move to another benefit, Employment and Support Allowance. But it’s not as simple as just switching, I had to fill out a long form, then have a medical examination, to prove you can’t work (you also have to have one every 1-2 years while on benefits). Which again is fair enough. However, practically all the questions are about what you can do physically, and physically I am fine (other than needing to lose some weight). And the questions regarding mental health are not exactly relevant – for example, am I violent, can I wash and dress myself, can I cope with change. Whenever I have one of these exams I am anxious from the moment I find out about it right up until it’s over. Which can be several months of anxiety which makes me even less able to go out. I can’t go to the medical centre they’re held in so I have to have a home visit.

So I had my home visit, dosing myself up on Propranolol beforehand to try to make sure I didn’t have a panic attack during. My mum was in the room next door as I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I was alone in the house. The guy was nice though English wasn’t his native language so I did have trouble understanding him at times. When it was finished he said he would ‘do his best for me’, which I thought was nice. However, a couple of months later I received a letter telling me I failed the exam. You need to score 15 points to receive the benefit and I scored 6. I had a feeling it would be low as my mum had an exam two years before because she was having chemotherapy. When she had had her last chemo session she had to have the assessment, and she scored 0 points. That’s right – zero. A woman who was still recovering from cancer and (aggressive) chemotherapy scored no points because she was able to lift her arm and wash and dress herself. She also had to prove she had cancer by bringing along all her hospital records, when she had all her chemotherapy and radiotherapy, everything. I think she had to have blood tests too. She had the choice to appeal the decision but refused because she had been through enough, so she had to return to work. She’s a professional cleaner and she works quickly. Two months later (or possibly less) she had a heart attack. She still refused to stay off work and returned as soon as she could, because again she didn’t want to have to go through it all.

I also had the choice to appeal. I did though because going out to work, right now, is not an option. My Incapacity Benefit stopped on 19th October and I had one month (from 27th September) to send off an appeal form, explaining why I disagreed with their decision, and to send ‘evidence’. My CBT counsellor helped me to write it and I sent it off. About a month later, having had no response, my dad called (I can’t speak to people on the phone – unless they’re family) and they said they were waiting for ‘evidence’. I had written on the form my CBT counsellor’s details and my GP’s details and that they could phone, but they actually wanted a medical certificate. This had been holding up my ‘claim’. My GP was very helpful and wrote one as soon as possible. However, the next day I received a letter to say they had looked at the appeal and still hadn’t changed their minds. The letter itself was sent out the day before my dad called them, so I can only imagine they made their decision partly based on the lack of ‘evidence’. So he called them again and they said that they weren’t involved and it was the Incapacity Benefit people’s job. So eventually they sorted it and I had to send my medical certificate to them.

But this was a few days ago and I still don’t know what’s going on. If the medical certificate is being handled by the Incapacity guys does that mean my ESA appeal was still rejected? If so that means it has to go to a tribunal. I can’t attend that myself but I can have a representative. Which then means I have to go over it all again with another stranger and still might get turned down. If that happens I don’t know what I’m going to do. But right now I have no money, but extra anxiety. Brilliant.