But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

On Saturday my sister, her husband and their kids came to stay (technically they arrived Friday evening). They usually stay at our house but last time they stayed in a hotel and decided to do so again. Anyway we all went to one of those big children’s play area things  - with the ball pits, slides, etc.. My brother also came with his girlfriend and her little girl, as did my aunt, her fiancé and their baby, so there was quite a few of us.

I’d never been to this place before because as an adult with no children, why would I? But I’d been to similar ones when I was younger so I roughly knew what to expect. I was a little anxious beforehand as obviously it was a new (to me), very public place, and a lot of us were going. But I managed to focus on the positives: not only it being a good ‘experience’ for me, but also I’d get to see my little cousin again, and be spending time with my little niece and nephew, and possible future step-niece.

When we got there it was a lot busier, bigger and crowded than I had imagined, and the smell was enough to put anyone off (think feet and ‘sweaty’ children). But fortunately I got ‘used’ to the smell after a couple of minutes and we managed to find a table that could just about fit us all. Everything went OK until I was queueing up with my sister to get a cake (they sold food too) and I suddenly felt really nauseous. I then started to feel dizzy and as if I wasn’t there, if you know what I mean. I suppose fellow anxiety-sufferers probably get this feeling too. It’s like you’re just watching everything around you rather than actually being there. I get it quite a lot in crowds and I think I’ve blogged about it before. So I started to feel a bit anxious, which made me think I might have a panic attack which made me even more anxious. Luckily I managed to ‘snap out’ of it. I’m not really sure how, maybe because the nausea went away, or maybe I just saw one of the kids we were with and remembered why I was there in the first place. I don’t know. But I’m just glad it went (especially in time to get my cake! ).

Just before we left my parents decided we’d go to my brother’s girlfriend’s house, mainly because it was nearby and we hadn’t seen it yet. Also he had built something for her little girl (a castle to go around her bed) and they wanted to see it. I got a tiny bit anxious because I needed the toilet (damn IBS) and didn’t want to go there. But we didn’t go for long so all was good.

On Monday, I planned to try to go to Chichester on the train. I thought that if I bottled it at the last minute I could just go into town as it was right by the train station. When I got there, I got all confused by the times, and remembered I’d have to switch at another station, which I couldn’t really remember, so I gave it a miss.

I went into town and headed straight for KFC as I hadn’t eaten and was feeling a bit dizzy. Everything went well until I finished and stood to leave. I suddenly came over all nauseous and ‘not there’ again, and started to panic. I was panicking not only because I felt ill, but because I was alone and the only way I could get home was either walking, or by taxi. I’ve never been in a taxi alone before, and the taxi office was at the other end of the town centre. So I freaked out and started to get the physical symptoms of a panic attack, which again freaked me out more. I tried calming myself down by deciding to just walk to the taxi office and go home. Of course, the thought of getting a taxi by myself scared me, but it was less scary than staying in town and having a panic attack.

On my way to the taxis, I went into a couple of shops. I needed to get my mum a birthday present. The first one I went in sells jewellery and little gifts, and while I was in there I experienced the panic symptoms again. I almost had a panic attack in there at the thought of ‘going backwards’ in my anxiety journey – I’d been to town alone before without having a panic attack, so I must have been getting worse rather than better. I reasoned with myself that I wasn’t feeling well, and that was causing my anxiety, rather than simply ‘being out’, and felt a little better. I managed to go in three other shops, gradually feeling less anxious, until I got to the taxis. I felt a little more anxious getting to them because I knew I would have to talk to one of the drivers, in particular having to ask one if they were available to take me home – I couldn’t figure out how exactly to word it.

I got into one and immediately wished I hadn’t, purely because it smelled really bad. Both the driver and the cab smelled of… I don’t know really, like a mix of cigarette smoke, dirty clothes and sweat. It didn’t help with my nausea. The driver appeared a little slow too, nice enough, just a little slow. The journey went OK though, I was just glad to get out at the end.

On Tuesday I had my very last CBT appointment. I was very anxious all day as I always do when I go. We didn’t talk about much, just how I’ve improved and what I can do to prevent myself going backwards. I asked for some book recommendations and she gave me a couple, as well as some websites.

So that’s it, it’s all down to me from now on, which is a pretty scary prospect. Will I be anxiety-free in a year? I doubt it, but hopefully it will have significantly improved.

On Friday my mum had a doctor’s appointment -she needed a cortisone injection. She wanted me to go with her because my dad was working and she didn’t want to go alone. This, for some reason, made me feel pretty anxious. I’m not sure why, though if I had to think of something it would probably be because of all the waiting around. The thought of sitting in the waiting room (it’s been up to an hour in the past) and then sitting in the doctor’s room while my mum was being injected just made me feel anxious. The receptionist said my mum would need a double appointment, which made me think it would be a long time.

We were probably in the building for about seven minutes. I had built it up so much in my head that it was going to take ages, and that I would probably start to have a panic attack because it would take so long – I even took a Propranolol. So I did feel kind of stupid afterwards. Though it’s better to feel stupid than to have suffered a panic attack.

Yesterday my mum and I went into town. Today’s my sister’s birthday and we both needed to get her a card and presents (I got her paints, if you’re wondering ). That all went fairly well except my shoes were rubbing and have given me a blister, and I had a really heavy bag.

I’ve also just remembered I went to town last week – some time between the last post and this. I thought I’d already written about it but clearly not. Anyway, I went alone and ate alone in KFC.

I haven’t been out a lot to be honest. It’s been too cold and I’ve been broke (what’s new?).

I went into town last week. I planned to try to get on the train and go to Chichester (the nearest ‘big’ town). However when I got to the train station the next train was over an hour later and I wasn’t prepared to wait. When I can afford it I will try again, but look up train times online first.

I went to my grandparents’ with my sister. It’s actually quite a walk considering they live quite close. It was about 15-20 minutes there. There was a time that going there would make me a little anxious. The reason for my anxiety was that panicking while there would be so silly that I was scared that it would happen. If that makes sense. Anyway, that went well. We even stopped off at a shop on the way home.

My parents went away last weekend. We have a lot of family living in Devon and they have been going down there for the odd weekend for several years.  I used to love it – the house to myself for the whole weekend. I would encourage them to take my sister with them. But then one time a couple of years ago, when my mum was ill, I had a panic attack. It came out of the blue. I just suddenly felt very alone and scared, and worried about my mum, and had a massive attack. They weren’t coming home for a couple of days so I was petrified of having another one. Of course, I did. I had several over the next couple of days and it was awful.

The next few times they went away I dreaded it. I encouraged my sister to stay so I would have someone with me – a distraction really. I was extremely anxious from the moment I heard they would be going (from up to a few months before) until the moment they got home. This went on for about a year.

One time they were going away for about five days and I was extra anxious. I bought several herbal remedies online – some for anxiety, some for sleep. It turned out I couldn’t take most of them because I was on Propranolol. But I could take a few and those I could take did help – partly because they worked but mainly because it calmed me just knowing they were there. The time went by quite well, though I was on edge the whole time. I planned to do things (largely watch TV/films and play computer games) with my sister which were a great distraction. Slowly but surely, I got through each trip until I started enjoying it again.

This time, however, was the first time in quite a while as the people my parents stayed with and the main reason they went there now live here. So I was a tiny bit anxious. Then the day before I had an argument with my sister. She wanted her boyfriend to come round on the Friday after school. She had already agreed to not see him over the whole two days (not even that) our parents were away, so that she and I could spend some time together. I didn’t want him here because it would have meant the two of them shut in her room from 3PM until about 11PM, with me wandering about the house on my own like a lemon – only seeing them when I’ve cooked their dinner. I felt she could spend some time away from him for just one night. He’s here almost every day when they get home from school until 9 or 11 depending on the night. I was a little upset as she spends 6 – 8 hours solid with him practically every day yet couldn’t give one of those days a miss to spend some time with me. I don’t think I was being too unreasonable as until she started going out with him a few months ago she and I used to spend a fair amount of time together. As sad as it is, she’s my only ‘friend’, and it is a little upsetting to be completely pushed aside for a boy she probably won’t even be speaking to this time next year. I know she’s young and in ‘love’ but I’m just glad I’m not one of her actual friends. She hasn’t seen them since either. She is exactly the type of teen girl I hate – ignoring all her friends once a boyfriend comes along. If I had been friends with her at school we wouldn’t be friends any more.

Anyway, in the end she went to his house until 8PM then came home and we watched a bit of TV. But I was still upset the night before, and when my mum told me what she was planning I was so pissed off I couldn’t have cared less (well I could but I was annoyed).  And I did start to panic a little bit. I was worried that being on my own for so long would cause me to have a panic attack, which brought on a panic attack there and then. Luckily I managed to stop it before it actually happened.

The weekend went fine in the end. I managed to busy myself watching a couple of films, and then watched a couple more with my sister.

But on Saturday I went to see my new baby cousin. He and my aunt are back from hospital so we went round their place to see him. He’s so cute – huge nose, but cute. He’s so tiny too; I expected him to be a bit bigger than he was.

We stayed there for about an hour then on the way home went to Tesco. Then when we got home I walked to the local Indian takeaway and picked up a korma sauce for my dinner (the rest of my family had a Chinese, but I just had some rice with my sauce).

I was going to go into town today (either with my mum or alone) but I had to stay in for a couple of deliveries. I might go to my grandparents’ later with my sister.

I haven’t been out much the past ten days because I’ve been doing my assignment. That’s not an excuse, because out of the two I’d much rather have gone out.

So, what I have done:

• gone to town alone, once, possible twice
• gone to town with my mum, once, possibly twice
• gone to the three local shops a few times
• walked to my grandparents’
• gone to a restaurant

Hmm… that’s not too bad after all. I was slightly anxious before the restaurant because I hadn’t been there for quite a while. But only a little anxious.

My aunt had a baby yesterday, a little boy. I was all ready to go to the hospital to see them, about to get in the car, until at the last minute she decided she didn’t want anyone there. I was a bit anxious getting ready because of the thought of hanging around a hospital waiting.

I’m a little annoyed with her at the moment anyway because I’m not invited to her wedding. It’s not that I wanted to go, but it’s that I’m specifically not invited. She doesn’t want any ‘children’ to go. At 24, I wouldn’t consider myself a child, but whatever. She wants her siblings and their spouses there, but not any of their kids – adult or not. Her reasoning is that she wouldn’t have her other sibling’s kids there, which is crap because she never sees them. She sees my sister and I all the time – I even thought she and I were quite close. Clearly not. Apparently she only wants her three children, and her fiancé’s children there so they can all ‘get to know each other better’. But how much can you ‘get to know’ someone at a wedding ceremony. All the family are invited to the reception (which I’m refusing to go to, out of principle), so that should be the place she wants the kids to get together.

I have a theory though, on this ‘no kids’ thing. It’s my sister. My aunt has a problem with her. She’d never admit it, but it’s always been there. My sister is 15, almost 16, and my aunt’s daughter is 14, going on 15. The two girls get on really well, they’re the best of friends (though they don’t get to see each other much as they go to different schools and don’t live close enough to walk round and see each other). Before my cousin was born, my aunt loved my sister, but once she had her own daughter, that’s when the problem seemed to arise. I think my aunt saw some kind of competition between the two. No one else has a problem, everyone gets on fine, but she is just a bit cold towards my sister. I don’t know if it’s because as babies/toddlers/young children my sister was a lot better behaved, or she just sees some kind of rivalry there that no one else does. But they’re both equally as pretty, they’re both nice, they’re both clever… I just don’t get it.

So I don’t think my aunt wants my sister there as a) she could steal ‘focus’ from her new family – she wants her kids and stepkids to be the centre of attention, and b) she might take my cousin’s attention away from her new stepsisters. And she can’t just ban my sister, because that would be silly, so she’s come up with this ‘rule’. It’s just my theory anyway.

I wanted to stay there for as long as I could (at least an hour – maybe two) but in the end I couldn’t because I went too late and most of the shops would have closed. I considered going to walk along the seafront but like I said it was freezing, plus it was starting to get dark. I also planned to go to McDonald’s to eat alone but I knew my dinner would have been ready when I got back.

Fortunately I experienced very low anxiety, but I was only there for about 45 minutes.

I really want to go to town more and branch out to nearby towns by going by train. But the problem is, of course, money. I have virtually none and I haven’t heard back about this tribunal yet. I am really bricking it about the tribunal. I’ve read that someone from the CAB can go on my behalf but it will still involve me sitting down with someone I don’t know and explaining everything about my condition – what I can and can’t do, etc..  It’s been over six months since I had the medical and about two months since they told me I would have to have the tribunal, and I have no idea what’s going on.

In the past week or so I’ve been to town once (walked there and asked my dad to pick me up. It was OK, I was pretty calm about it. I’ve been to the local shop a couple of times.

I went to One Stop yesterday, and I walked as quickly as I could to try to lose weight. That went pretty well.

I will be going back to going out every day now though, so I will try to post every day too.

I went out yesterday though. I went to the local shop to buy some food for my diet (I’ve lost just over 5lb since Monday ). Then in the evening we went to my aunt and uncle’s house to play cards. Nothing serious, we just played a few fun games for pennies. It was a really great night and we ended up staying for six hours, which again is a really long time for me.

I was getting ready to go out for New Year’s Eve when I last posted, and don’t even get me started on the getting ready part. I spent an hour doing my hair, only for it to not go right at all. I was so annoyed. I had to rush my make up because of that (I love applying make up, and the longer it takes me, the better ).  I had some nail stickers I wanted to wear too, and in the end only a small amount of time to apply them. I messed them up too, so that also annoyed me. It was about 11 PM at this point so I quickly applied some gold glittery nail varnish. I then realised I wasn’t dressed and still hadn’t done anything with my hair. So I rushed to get dressed and completely smudged my nails. I managed to apply another coat which only messed up a little while I did my hair. Fortunately it was a clear base with glitter so it didn’t look too bad. I just wore my hair down in the end, nothing special.

My dad came to pick me up at about 11:20 PM. My mum had told me the whole night would be over at about 12:15 so I was not too anxious about going. But while I was getting ready to leave he said that the last orders are called at 12:50. Suddenly the thought of being there for about 1 1/2 hours really caused me to panic. I suppose it was that I was so used to the idea I’d be there for 3/4 hour – an hour max., that it came as a shock. I was so anxious  - I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It’s like my brain seems to believe I am incapable of being somewhere for over half an hour without having a panic attack. I took a couple of Propranolol tablets and got in the car, trying to calm myself down on the way there. As we pulled into the car park I had to tell my dad I was feeling anxious and asked if we could wait a minute until I calmed down. I told him why I felt anxious and got reassurance from him that, hypothetically, I could go home at around 12:15, if that was when he started taking people home. That calmed me down a lot, though it’s just a safety behaviour and I shouldn’t have done it. However, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have been able to go in.

One of the main reasons I was anxious is that I went two years ago and had a panic attack after about 20 minutes and had to go home. It was a combination of things: first of all my granddad made a ‘joke’ about my weight (which he does every time I see him) which upset me, so straight away I was in a negative mood. I already felt fat and unattractive, so any self-confidence I might have had immediately crashed through the floor. The most annoying thing is, it’s not like he’s so old he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He is old – 82 – but he’s as sharp as a tack. He knows exactly what he’s saying but I don’t know why. He’s an otherwise really lovely man, he’s just really horrible to me about my weight. And he knows how anxious I am so he must know how low my self-esteem is. And it’s not like I’m the only overweight member of my family – or even the biggest. But I’ve never heard him say anything to anyone else.

Anyway, enough about that – this is supposed to be a positive post, and here I am waffling on about my weight.

So, I was pretty upset at that point (and I am now, even thinking about it) but I tried to cover it. But when we got into the main event room, my family all wanted to sit at one of the tables right at the front, next to the stage and dance floor. That meant that whatever seat I sat on, I would be in full view of everyone in the room, which then meant that if I did have a panic attack, everyone would potentially be able to see me. On top of that, it was only 7 PM so I knew we would be there for at least five hours. And it all hit me, the upset from my granddad’s remark, being in full-view of everyone, and then having to endure it for such a long time. So I had a massive panic attack and couldn’t calm down. My sister, who was 13 at the time, wasn’t keen on the idea of staying there without me, so I asked my dad if he could take us home. He was drinking that night so we had to walk (about 15-20 minutes), and he spent most of that walk having a go at me. And I spent most of the rest of that night feeling so awful, having non-stop panic attacks (or one four-hour long one, I don’t know).

So with that in mind, I was fairly anxious given that was my last experience and memory of the place. Fortunately, this time there were much fewer people there, and my family were sat at a table against the wall. I was still pretty anxious when I sat down though, and played on my phone which distracted me and calmed me down.

When midnight approached the whole family (there were about 20 of us) went on the dance floor – I didn’t really want to but at the same time did want to because I wanted to celebrate with my family. We did the whole hand-holding and singing Auld Lang Syne thing, which I enjoyed. Though Auld Lang Syne tends to make me anxious for some reason – and it did even when I was a child, before I started suffering with anxiety. I think it’s because it kind of signals another year over/another year closer to death, and how quickly time goes by.

Anyway, after that I stayed on the dance floor and danced with various relatives. I tend not to dance in public (largely because I don’t go to places which involve dancing) – not because I don’t like it, because I love it (before the anxiety I used to go to two dance classes a week) – but because  a) I can’t dance for the life of me, b) it’s in public therefore others can see me, and c) my weight. Adding to this my family would have all been watching me at some point because they have never seen me dance. But I just did it anyway. One problem was my uncle, who was very drunk, got me to ‘jive’ with him, which involved him spinning me around every three seconds. I already felt nauseous (possibly due to the anxiety) and this made me feel dizzy but there was no way of telling him because the band was so loud and he was so drunk he wouldn’t have heard a word. I managed to get away when the song finished, telling him I needed a drink – which was true, my mouth was like a desert. After a while he and my aunt got me to go up and dance with them in some kind of slow-dance. Then he got me to jive with him again.

Finally the band finished and we all sat and talked for a bit (well, some of us talked, the rest slurred ). And in the end I didn’t get home until about 1:30.

I can’t remember if I went out on New Year’s Day, but I don’t think I did. I have my assignment due in on Thursday so I have been spending a fair amount of time on that.

Yesterday was the first day of my diet/fitness regime (I would have started on the 1st but we had a big dinner and I had some leftover chocolate). I planned on going out for just a walk but my dad wanted a couple of things from the shop, so I decided to also go to the shop. But instead I went to the Co-Op, the one that’s about 10-15 minutes away. While I was there I bought a few low-fat foods to help with my diet, and went to the other two shops on the same journey (looking for the TV guide my dad wanted, none had it).

But it was worth it as I was 2lb lighter today.

Yesterday my dad woke me up again. My aunt and uncle had invited us round for dinner. We had to leave at 12 PM. I wasn’t keen because I planned to spend all day working on my OU assignment, which is due in on the 5th. But as usual I didn’t have a choice in the matter so I went – but I made it clear I didn’t want to stay too long because I wanted to get on with my assignment. Another reason I wasn’t too keen on going was that they only eat three things: baked potato, chicken, and salad. Their ideal meal would be baked potato with chicken salad. They literally don’t eat anything else except for Sundays, where they have a roast chicken, and of course, if they eat out. Guess what we had when we went round? Baked potato and salad! Brilliant. When we got there my aunt hadn’t even put the potatoes in the oven, so we had to wait a couple of hours for them to cook. So we ate and it was a nice enough meal.

The main reason we were going was to play some card games and just chill out, but whenever we mentioned cards my uncle would say “Or we could watch a bit of telly”. There was nothing on TV so we just sat around a bit. Eventually we worked out the real reason he kept saying it, and probably the real reason they invited us round: their TV wasn’t working properly. And they needed my dad to help them fix it. So we spent the next couple of hours shouting out what the TV picture was like while my dad fiddled around with the aerial. And then we went home.

So our day was sitting around waiting for potatoes to cook, then staring at a TV screen waiting for it to work. I could have spent those 4 1/2 hours (plus the hour and a half it took to get ready and drive there) on my assignment. I was not happy. On the plus side, I wasn’t anxious. So swings and roundabouts and all that.

I’m just about to get in the shower, ready to go out tonight. It’s 7:45 PM as I’m writing, and my family have gone to a ‘social club’. I really don’t like the place – it’s really boring. But I also want to see the new year in with my family. So as a compromise I’m going at 11:30 PM. My dad will be picking me up so I can see the new year in with everyone, but not have to spend so much time somewhere I don’t want to be.

So happy new year to you! I hope you have a great night, and a fabulous 2012.