As I said in my last post, I am resuming my challenge now my tribunal and course are out of the way. I have a few updates for you.
Tribunal
Days 103 – 112
OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.
But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.
When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering 
).
I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.
Days 95 – 102
I haven’t been out a lot this past week or so. I’ve had to complete two assignments for this week so I’ve been slaving over them. I’ve been to the local shops a few times, as ever.
On Friday my mum had a doctor’s appointment -she needed a cortisone injection. She wanted me to go with her because my dad was working and she didn’t want to go alone. This, for some reason, made me feel pretty anxious. I’m not sure why, though if I had to think of something it would probably be because of all the waiting around. The thought of sitting in the waiting room (it’s been up to an hour in the past) and then sitting in the doctor’s room while my mum was being injected just made me feel anxious. The receptionist said my mum would need a double appointment, which made me think it would be a long time.
We were probably in the building for about seven minutes. I had built it up so much in my head that it was going to take ages, and that I would probably start to have a panic attack because it would take so long – I even took a Propranolol. So I did feel kind of stupid afterwards. Though it’s better to feel stupid than to have suffered a panic attack.
Yesterday my mum and I went into town. Today’s my sister’s birthday and we both needed to get her a card and presents (I got her paints, if you’re wondering ). That all went fairly well except my shoes were rubbing and have given me a blister, and I had a really heavy bag.
I’ve also just remembered I went to town last week – some time between the last post and this. I thought I’d already written about it but clearly not. Anyway, I went alone and ate alone in KFC. 
Days 85 – 94
Wow, I just get worse at this.
I haven’t been out a lot to be honest. It’s been too cold and I’ve been broke (what’s new?).
I went into town last week. I planned to try to get on the train and go to Chichester (the nearest ‘big’ town). However when I got to the train station the next train was over an hour later and I wasn’t prepared to wait. When I can afford it I will try again, but look up train times online first.
I went to my grandparents’ with my sister. It’s actually quite a walk considering they live quite close. It was about 15-20 minutes there. There was a time that going there would make me a little anxious. The reason for my anxiety was that panicking while there would be so silly that I was scared that it would happen. If that makes sense. Anyway, that went well. We even stopped off at a shop on the way home.
My parents went away last weekend. We have a lot of family living in Devon and they have been going down there for the odd weekend for several years. I used to love it – the house to myself for the whole weekend. I would encourage them to take my sister with them. But then one time a couple of years ago, when my mum was ill, I had a panic attack. It came out of the blue. I just suddenly felt very alone and scared, and worried about my mum, and had a massive attack. They weren’t coming home for a couple of days so I was petrified of having another one. Of course, I did. I had several over the next couple of days and it was awful.
The next few times they went away I dreaded it. I encouraged my sister to stay so I would have someone with me – a distraction really. I was extremely anxious from the moment I heard they would be going (from up to a few months before) until the moment they got home. This went on for about a year.
One time they were going away for about five days and I was extra anxious. I bought several herbal remedies online – some for anxiety, some for sleep. It turned out I couldn’t take most of them because I was on Propranolol. But I could take a few and those I could take did help – partly because they worked but mainly because it calmed me just knowing they were there. The time went by quite well, though I was on edge the whole time. I planned to do things (largely watch TV/films and play computer games) with my sister which were a great distraction. Slowly but surely, I got through each trip until I started enjoying it again.
This time, however, was the first time in quite a while as the people my parents stayed with and the main reason they went there now live here. So I was a tiny bit anxious. Then the day before I had an argument with my sister. She wanted her boyfriend to come round on the Friday after school. She had already agreed to not see him over the whole two days (not even that) our parents were away, so that she and I could spend some time together. I didn’t want him here because it would have meant the two of them shut in her room from 3PM until about 11PM, with me wandering about the house on my own like a lemon – only seeing them when I’ve cooked their dinner. I felt she could spend some time away from him for just one night. He’s here almost every day when they get home from school until 9 or 11 depending on the night. I was a little upset as she spends 6 – 8 hours solid with him practically every day yet couldn’t give one of those days a miss to spend some time with me. I don’t think I was being too unreasonable as until she started going out with him a few months ago she and I used to spend a fair amount of time together. As sad as it is, she’s my only ‘friend’, and it is a little upsetting to be completely pushed aside for a boy she probably won’t even be speaking to this time next year. I know she’s young and in ‘love’ but I’m just glad I’m not one of her actual friends. She hasn’t seen them since either. She is exactly the type of teen girl I hate – ignoring all her friends once a boyfriend comes along. If I had been friends with her at school we wouldn’t be friends any more.
Anyway, in the end she went to his house until 8PM then came home and we watched a bit of TV. But I was still upset the night before, and when my mum told me what she was planning I was so pissed off I couldn’t have cared less (well I could but I was annoyed). And I did start to panic a little bit. I was worried that being on my own for so long would cause me to have a panic attack, which brought on a panic attack there and then. Luckily I managed to stop it before it actually happened.
The weekend went fine in the end. I managed to busy myself watching a couple of films, and then watched a couple more with my sister.
Days 56 – 58 (Happy New Year!)
Well I survived the new year, and if you’re reading this, you probably did too. 
I hope you had a great time, whatever you did.
I was getting ready to go out for New Year’s Eve when I last posted, and don’t even get me started on the getting ready part. I spent an hour doing my hair, only for it to not go right at all. I was so annoyed. I had to rush my make up because of that (I love applying make up, and the longer it takes me, the better ). I had some nail stickers I wanted to wear too, and in the end only a small amount of time to apply them. I messed them up too, so that also annoyed me. It was about 11 PM at this point so I quickly applied some gold glittery nail varnish. I then realised I wasn’t dressed and still hadn’t done anything with my hair. So I rushed to get dressed and completely smudged my nails. I managed to apply another coat which only messed up a little while I did my hair. Fortunately it was a clear base with glitter so it didn’t look too bad. I just wore my hair down in the end, nothing special.
My dad came to pick me up at about 11:20 PM. My mum had told me the whole night would be over at about 12:15 so I was not too anxious about going. But while I was getting ready to leave he said that the last orders are called at 12:50. Suddenly the thought of being there for about 1 1/2 hours really caused me to panic. I suppose it was that I was so used to the idea I’d be there for 3/4 hour – an hour max., that it came as a shock. I was so anxious - I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It’s like my brain seems to believe I am incapable of being somewhere for over half an hour without having a panic attack. I took a couple of Propranolol tablets and got in the car, trying to calm myself down on the way there. As we pulled into the car park I had to tell my dad I was feeling anxious and asked if we could wait a minute until I calmed down. I told him why I felt anxious and got reassurance from him that, hypothetically, I could go home at around 12:15, if that was when he started taking people home. That calmed me down a lot, though it’s just a safety behaviour and I shouldn’t have done it. However, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have been able to go in.
Days 36 – 39
I’m such an idiot, I completely forgot to update this blog.
I don’t believe I went out on Sunday, though I can’t actually remember. I probably didn’t.
On Monday I got ready to go to town. I was going to walk in and ask my dad to pick me up. But then it rained, and I wasn’t prepared to get soaking for no reason.
On Tuesday I had my CBT appointment, and if you follow me on Twitter, or saw it on the widget, I was pretty anxious about it. The main reason was that I hadn’t been for a while, and it was kind of a ‘new’ experience again. But it’s also because you’re sitting in a room with someone relatively ‘unknown’ for about an hour with no reasonable ‘escape’. I mean, if I were to have a panic attack, there would be no way to excuse myself and pretend I need the toilet/don’t feel well or whatever; she would know. Plus it’s an environment where you’re talking about anxiety, about the feelings associated with anxiety, etc.. And thinking and talking about it, can make me more anxious.
So, all day Tuesday I felt anxious: from the moment I woke up until the appointment itself. There was that ache-y, butterflies feeling in my chest/stomach all day and I couldn’t shake it off. Despite telling myself that it was my second-last appointment and we would only be talking about where I would go next, I still felt completely anxious. The night before, however, I downloaded an MP3 of Paul McKenna’s on agoraphobia. And at about 11:30 Tuesday morning, four and a half hours before my appointment, I listened to it.
It was half an hour long and I was pretty tired, and I can barely remember any of it. I only really remember counting backwards from 300 in my head. I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds about three times, right at the end, and woke while he was counting back from ten for you to ‘wake up’ and come out of the trance-like state you’re in. The odd thing is, when I woke up, the feeling of anxiety had gone. The physical feelings I had felt since waking earlier that morning had completely disappeared. And even when I thought about the appointment, I felt pretty calm about it. And I remained in that state from 12 PM until about 3:30, when I had to get ready to leave.
I don’t know what it was – whether it was the actual MP3, or the fact I got a little more sleep, or a mixture of both – but I was really relaxed afterwards and not physically anxious at all. I don’t believe it is a miracle MP3, and I haven’t tried it since, but it helped a lot.
Anyway, in the car on the way to the doctors’ surgery, where the appointment was held, I did begin to feel really anxious. I even felt the pre-panic attack tingling/burning feeling. So I took a propranolol. It helped a little, but I was still very anxious. When we pulled into the car park, I felt it again and took another propranolol.
The last time I saw the counsellor she asked me to try to wait in the waiting area alone, as usually my dad waits with me. I’ve never specifically asked him to, but he does. I would imagine that this is mainly because he just expects me to want him to (which I do), and also because he usually asked what time she expects us to finish, so he knows when to pick me up.
So I made my way from the underground car park, into the surgery, alone for the first time. It was fairly nerve-wracking, but I carried on, signing myself in using the machine (which had no recollection of my appointment, but that often happens) and sitting outside the room we normally meet in. I was still pretty anxious, but I read some e-mails on my phone, Tweeted about how anxious I was, and started playing a game. When she came out I felt a sudden burst of anxiety, which then subsided a little, and we went inside.
I was trembling when I was in there, but it wasn’t anxiety-related. I get it sometimes… I think it’s a form of hypoglycaemia or something, and when I get it it does tend to make me feel more anxious. But that subsided after a while (probably thanks to the banana I had in the car) and I felt better all-round.
Before I left I wrote out a small list of everything I’d done since the beginning of this blog (without mentioning the blog itself, I wouldn’t really be comfortable with someone I know in real life reading it, not even family), and she seemed pretty impressed. She seemed genuinely ‘happy for me’, not in a patronising kind of way. We just talked about what I’d done and how I should try to progress, and fortunately I stopped feeling anxious (well, I’d still say I was maybe 3 or 4/10, if I were rating it – but that’s low for me).
So my next appointment is my last appointment, which is a scary prospect. I suppose I have improved a little over the twenty sessions (over about a year, maybe a little longer), though I think I’ve progressed most during this challenge. That’s probably because I’m really trying to push myself now, and it helps that I’m writing it down (when I remember ). I just hope I can continue until I can lead a reasonably ‘normal’ life. And if I could really achieve my goal of being anxiety-free by November, I would be over the moon. *fingers crossed*
Yesterday I went to town, alone. I cheated and got my dad to give me a lift there and back, but in my defence it was really cold out. I went into Subway and ate alone (and Tweeted about it ), which is a big thing for me. The Subway in my town is really small, and there were only four other people in there. If it had been slightly busier it would have been easier as there would be more people for others to notice/look at, if that makes any sense. Though if it had been really busy it would have been even harder. It’s quite a complex thing. Regardless, I did it, and felt fairly little anxiety, although one woman in there did appear to keep looking/staring at me, which was a little off-putting.
I did a little Christmas shopping after that and then called my dad to pick me up. I wasn’t there long, probably less than an hour, but as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s a very small town. And I had very little money. But it was a successful trip as I was hardly anxious.
