And I’m Back

As I said in my last post, I am resuming my challenge now my tribunal and course are out of the way. I have a few updates for you.

Tribunal

Days 113 – 125

Wow, what a lack of posts.

I haven’t been out a lot because I’ve had no money. I’m being given £53 a week ESA at the moment. I give my parents £50 a week for ‘rent’. Of course, for the time being they’re not charging me that because that would be ridiculous. I’m paying them £20 and the rest is going on food, toiletries and prescriptions. I have a dentist appointment next week I won’t be able to afford.

I’ve had a letter about my tribunal. Due to the volume of ESA appeals it probably won’t be until June at the earliest. I obviously won’t be able to attend so I will have to try to get a representative. This whole thing is such a load of bull for people with anxiety. Like we don’t worry enough we then have the stress of having to see all these people who are just waiting to judge us and prove us wrong. It’s all so frustrating.

So right now I’m trying to lose weight by going on fitness games on the Wii and trying to get out walking, and doing assignments.

Days 103 – 112

OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.

But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

Days 26 and 27

I didn’t think it would be worth posting yesterday as on Thursday I felt ill and didn’t go out.

Yesterday I finally received some benefit. We called up (well, my dad did) on Thursday to see what was going on and they said I would receive six month’s benefit on Friday. I received what would be four week’s worth of what I would normally receive, unless they have chosen to pay me less per week because I’m appealing against their ESA decision. They also said that I would be contacted in due course about the tribunal.

I went to One Stop yesterday, and after that to the large Co-Op across the street, then on the way back went into the smaller Co-Op which is closer to where I live. On the walk up to One Stop I noticed my anxiety was very low, and also that the journey didn’t seem as long as it used to.

One thing I did notice in One Stop, while I was queuing and being served, was that I was quite sweaty. But I don’t think I was sweating as much as usual.

I won’t be posting anything tomorrow as I never went out today – we spent all day putting up our Christmas tree and decorations. Also, my aunt and uncle moved into their new place today, so we have the house free at last!

Living on Benefits and My Current Situation

The title of this post should be Not Living on Benefits right now.

So all of my adult life I have had to receive a state benefit. I hate it. I feel like a ‘scrounger’ or some kind of fraud. Technically I’m not either but it’s because I’m not physically unable to work I feel like I don’t deserve any money. People do point out that certain benefits are there for people ‘like me’, which is true, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. And what makes things worse is that people think that those on benefits are scroungers and frauds, and that it’s an easy life. Yes, some people are, but I’d imagine most people aren’t. So here’s my personal case.

I have been receiving Incapacity Benefit for several years. There was another one before that but I had to switch. I can’t remember what that one was called. Anyway, I get paid around £105 a week, paid fortnightly. Some people will probably think that’s a lot, others will think it’s ridiculous. I think it’s a fair amount considering I’m not working. However, I pay my parents £50 a week ‘rent’, which again I think is fair as I am living under their roof, using their electricity etc. This is not taken into account with the DWP who believe that as I’m living with family I’m living rent-free. So that leaves me with £55 a week to spend on food, toiletries, clothes, phone credit (I could never afford a contract) and any luxuries I may be able to afford. On top of that I have to pay for prescriptions, which is five medications every 1-2 months depending on the dosage at £7.20 each. And I have to pay for dental appointments/treatment, and optical appointments and glasses. It’s definitely not an ‘easy life’.

Which brings me on to my current situation. Incapacity Benefit is being phased out and those on it need to move to another benefit, Employment and Support Allowance. But it’s not as simple as just switching, I had to fill out a long form, then have a medical examination, to prove you can’t work (you also have to have one every 1-2 years while on benefits). Which again is fair enough. However, practically all the questions are about what you can do physically, and physically I am fine (other than needing to lose some weight). And the questions regarding mental health are not exactly relevant – for example, am I violent, can I wash and dress myself, can I cope with change. Whenever I have one of these exams I am anxious from the moment I find out about it right up until it’s over. Which can be several months of anxiety which makes me even less able to go out. I can’t go to the medical centre they’re held in so I have to have a home visit.

So I had my home visit, dosing myself up on Propranolol beforehand to try to make sure I didn’t have a panic attack during. My mum was in the room next door as I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I was alone in the house. The guy was nice though English wasn’t his native language so I did have trouble understanding him at times. When it was finished he said he would ‘do his best for me’, which I thought was nice. However, a couple of months later I received a letter telling me I failed the exam. You need to score 15 points to receive the benefit and I scored 6. I had a feeling it would be low as my mum had an exam two years before because she was having chemotherapy. When she had had her last chemo session she had to have the assessment, and she scored 0 points. That’s right – zero. A woman who was still recovering from cancer and (aggressive) chemotherapy scored no points because she was able to lift her arm and wash and dress herself. She also had to prove she had cancer by bringing along all her hospital records, when she had all her chemotherapy and radiotherapy, everything. I think she had to have blood tests too. She had the choice to appeal the decision but refused because she had been through enough, so she had to return to work. She’s a professional cleaner and she works quickly. Two months later (or possibly less) she had a heart attack. She still refused to stay off work and returned as soon as she could, because again she didn’t want to have to go through it all.

I also had the choice to appeal. I did though because going out to work, right now, is not an option. My Incapacity Benefit stopped on 19th October and I had one month (from 27th September) to send off an appeal form, explaining why I disagreed with their decision, and to send ‘evidence’. My CBT counsellor helped me to write it and I sent it off. About a month later, having had no response, my dad called (I can’t speak to people on the phone – unless they’re family) and they said they were waiting for ‘evidence’. I had written on the form my CBT counsellor’s details and my GP’s details and that they could phone, but they actually wanted a medical certificate. This had been holding up my ‘claim’. My GP was very helpful and wrote one as soon as possible. However, the next day I received a letter to say they had looked at the appeal and still hadn’t changed their minds. The letter itself was sent out the day before my dad called them, so I can only imagine they made their decision partly based on the lack of ‘evidence’. So he called them again and they said that they weren’t involved and it was the Incapacity Benefit people’s job. So eventually they sorted it and I had to send my medical certificate to them.

But this was a few days ago and I still don’t know what’s going on. If the medical certificate is being handled by the Incapacity guys does that mean my ESA appeal was still rejected? If so that means it has to go to a tribunal. I can’t attend that myself but I can have a representative. Which then means I have to go over it all again with another stranger and still might get turned down. If that happens I don’t know what I’m going to do. But right now I have no money, but extra anxiety. Brilliant.

 

Day 16

Yesterday I didn’t actually walk anywhere.  My aunt and uncle (the ones staying with us) were viewing a bungalow and I decided to go with them. I’m nosy like that. It was too far to walk so we (my aunt, uncle, mum and I) went in their car.

On the way there I did start to get a little anxious and thinking things like ‘What if we’re there for ages and I need the toilet?‘, ‘What if I have a panic attack and can’t leave?‘, ‘What if the estate agent sees me panicking? It’s a weird reason to have a panic attack…‘ etc.  But I just tried to ignore them and calm myself by thinking that a) it won’t be a long time, and b) I won’t have a panic attack anyway. It worked, though I did have a couple of flutters the rest of the (eight minute) journey.

The best bit is that they liked the bungalow and are moving in in ten days. We have all been feeling on edge with them here, as much as we love them. They are just so irritating and it will be nice to get our house back. Hopefully I will be less nervy once they’re gone and able to do more of this challenge. I will also hopefully have some money by then and be able to go to more places. Right now I am literally broke – I have even gone over my overdraft limit so I’m losing £5 per day on that. So in fact, after paying off my overdraft and the money I owe my parents I will probably be back to square one.

Day 12

Yesterday wasn’t quite as good as it could have been. It started with a letter from the DWP. I am having problems with benefits right now (which I hate being on anyway) hence most of my posts mentioning I have no money. So this letter wasn’t a good one and I got upset and slightly panicky. My dad kind of sorted it out, for now, but I have no idea what’s going on with it.

After that my mum and I took advantage of the fact my aunt and uncle had gone out by catching up on some TV shows we hadn’t had the chance to see.

In the end I ended up only going to the shop around the corner. I was fairly anxiety-free though.