Days 103 – 112

OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.

But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

Days 36 – 39

I’m such an idiot, I completely forgot to update this blog.

I don’t believe I went out on Sunday, though I can’t actually remember. I probably didn’t.

On Monday I got ready to go to town. I was going to walk in and ask my dad to pick me up. But then it rained, and I wasn’t prepared to get soaking for no reason.

On Tuesday I had my CBT appointment, and if you follow me on Twitter, or saw it on the widget, I was pretty anxious about it. The main reason was that I hadn’t been for a while, and it was kind of a ‘new’ experience again. But it’s also because you’re sitting in a room with someone relatively ‘unknown’ for about an hour with no reasonable ‘escape’. I mean, if I were to have a panic attack, there would be no way to excuse myself and pretend I need the toilet/don’t feel well or whatever; she would know. Plus it’s an environment where you’re talking about anxiety, about the feelings associated with anxiety, etc.. And thinking and talking about it, can make me more anxious.

So, all day Tuesday I felt anxious: from the moment I woke up until the appointment itself. There was that ache-y, butterflies feeling in my chest/stomach all day and I couldn’t shake it off. Despite telling myself that it was my second-last appointment and we would only be talking about where I would go next, I still felt completely anxious. The night before, however, I downloaded an MP3 of Paul McKenna’s on agoraphobia. And at about 11:30 Tuesday morning, four and a half hours before my appointment, I listened to it.

It was half an hour long and I was pretty tired, and I can barely remember any of it. I only really remember counting backwards from 300 in my head. I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds about three times, right at the end, and woke while he was counting back from ten for you to ‘wake up’ and come out of the trance-like state you’re in. The odd thing is, when I woke up, the feeling of anxiety had gone. The physical feelings I had felt since waking earlier that morning had completely disappeared. And even when I thought about the appointment, I felt pretty calm about it. And I remained in that state from 12 PM until about 3:30, when I had to get ready to leave.

I don’t know what it was – whether it was the actual MP3, or the fact I got a little more sleep, or a mixture of both – but I was really relaxed afterwards and not physically anxious at all. I don’t believe it is a miracle MP3, and I haven’t tried it since, but it helped a lot.

Anyway, in the car on the way to the doctors’ surgery, where the appointment was held, I did begin to feel really anxious. I even felt the pre-panic attack tingling/burning feeling. So I took a propranolol. It helped a little, but I was still very anxious. When we pulled into the car park, I felt it again and took another propranolol.

The last time I saw the counsellor she asked me to try to wait in the waiting area alone, as usually my dad waits with me. I’ve never specifically asked him to, but he does. I would imagine that this is mainly because he just expects me to want him to (which I do), and also because he usually asked what time she expects us to finish, so he knows when to pick me up.

So I made my way from the underground car park, into the surgery, alone for the first time. It was fairly nerve-wracking, but I carried on, signing myself in using the machine (which had no recollection of my appointment, but  that often happens) and sitting outside the room we normally meet in. I was still pretty anxious, but I read some e-mails on my phone, Tweeted about how anxious I was, and started playing a game. When she came out I felt a sudden burst of anxiety, which then subsided a little, and we went inside.

I was trembling when I was in there, but it wasn’t anxiety-related. I get it sometimes… I think it’s a form of hypoglycaemia or something, and when I get it it does tend to make me feel more anxious. But that subsided after a while (probably thanks to the banana I had in the car) and I felt better all-round.

Before I left I wrote out a small list of everything I’d done since the beginning of this blog (without mentioning the blog itself, I wouldn’t really be comfortable with someone I know in real life reading it, not even family), and she seemed pretty impressed. She seemed genuinely ‘happy for me’, not in a patronising kind of way. We just talked about what I’d done and how I should try to progress, and fortunately I stopped feeling anxious (well, I’d still say I was maybe 3 or 4/10, if I were rating it – but that’s low for me).

So my next appointment is my last appointment, which is a scary prospect. I suppose I have improved a little over the twenty sessions (over about a year, maybe a little longer), though I think I’ve progressed most during this challenge. That’s probably because I’m really trying to push myself now, and it helps that I’m writing it down (when I remember ). I just hope I can continue until I can lead a reasonably ‘normal’ life. And if I could really achieve my goal of being anxiety-free by November, I would be over the moon. *fingers crossed*

 

Yesterday I went to town, alone. I cheated and got my dad to give me a lift there and back, but in my defence it was really cold out. I went into Subway and ate alone (and Tweeted about it ), which is a big thing for me. The Subway in my town is really small, and there were only four other people in there. If it had been slightly busier it would have been easier as there would be more people for others to notice/look at, if that makes any sense. Though if it had been really busy it would have been even harder. It’s quite a complex thing. Regardless, I did it, and felt fairly little anxiety, although one woman in there did appear to keep looking/staring at me, which was a little off-putting.

I did a little Christmas shopping after that and then called my dad to pick me up. I wasn’t there long, probably less than an hour, but as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s a very small town. And I had very little money. But it was a successful trip as I was hardly anxious.

Days 33 – 35

I didn’t go out Thursday or Friday as I was still feeling ill. I feel a lot better know though – my cough is pretty much gone.

On Friday though, my CBT counsellor phoned. I haven’t been to see her since October, I think. I had been meaning to call (by that I mean, meaning to get my dad to call) to make another appointment, but things have been pretty hectic with my aunt and uncle staying etc.. Anyway, we have arranged an appointment for Tuesday. I felt surprisingly anxious when we arranged it, and for a while after. Well, I say ‘surprisingly’, but it’s not really. I’m always anxious about going. I worry I’ll have a panic attack or even cry, neither of which I want to do. I cried once at an appointment, but I’ve never had a panic attack. *touches wood* I’ve nearly always been very close though, and dosed up on propranolol. I would like to try to go without propranolol this time, I don’t know how successful I’ll be though.

I’d like to think of it as slightly surprising though, feeling the anxiety, as I’ve been a lot more confident lately from going out more. Plus I only have two more appointments left so if I did ‘embarrass’ myself by panicking or crying, I’d only ever see her one more time.

I’ve also been feeling a little ill lately (have I mentioned that? ) and have been tired, so that makes me more anxious. I’ll try to get some more sleep so when Tuesday comes I’ll be a bit more confident.

 

Yesterday I went to Tesco with my dad. It wasn’t that big a deal as a) I was with my dad, and b) we weren’t there long (we were looking for a Kindle for my mum for Christmas). But still, it was out.

Day 14

Yesterday was another success, yay! It was around 3:00 PM when I was in the middle of getting ready to go out. I was putting on some make up and wondering where I should go, when I remembered my mum had a doctor’s appointment at about 4PM. The doctors’ surgery is about two streets away from the town centre so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for me to go with her and my dad and walk into town from there.

In the car on the way to the surgery I did suddenly get a wave of panic and asked myself what the hell I was doing, what if I have a panic attack, etc. etc. This was all internally, my parents had no idea what was happening. I can’t exactly remember what I did to calm myself down, I probably told myself that I’d been there before and it had been fine, that it wouldn’t be for long, or that I could sit on a bench outside the doctors’/wait by the car. Or possibly a combination of all three. Whatever it was, it worked.

I started to feel anxious again during the walk from the surgery into town, but carried on. When I got there I kind of wanted to do a little extra, push myself a bit. So I decided to go into McDonald’s, alone. Being in a restaurant (I include fast food places as ‘restaurants’) alone is one of my fears, I actually went through it with my CBT counsellor. She got me to list all the things that scared me about it. I can’t remember them all now, but I’ll have a go off the top of my head…

• having a panic attack – obviously this is the main fear that the anxiety/panic centres around, which in this instance then branches into two sub-fears: having a panic attack in a public place; and having a panic attack alone (not forgetting being ‘far’ from home – my ‘safe place’, and fairly far from my parents – my ‘safe people’)
• having to leave my food in order to ‘escape’ and drawing attention to myself/the situation
• falling/spilling food (obviously this is also the case when eating with others but would be 1000x worse alone)
• being thought of as ‘friendless’  - this is not as big a deal as it was when I was a teenager, when anyone alone would be judged a ‘loner’, but it still is a tiny issue
• being thought of as ‘greedy’ – overweight girl eating alone in McDonald’s (they wouldn’t know I haven’t been in there for nearly a year)
• a group of teenagers showing off and deciding to pick on/make fun of someone sitting by themselves (it’s a long-shot but come on, we all know what teens can be like)

That’s all I can think of, and was probably my list.

Anyway, as I approached McDonald’s I saw that it was busy and there was a long queue, so I decided against it and walked past. I considered going into KFC, which is the next busiest place in town, but instead turned around and went back to McDonald’s. I figured if I was going to do it, I might as well go with my original plan.

I queued for 11 minutes (yes, I timed it ) and when I first joined the back of the queue I felt a wave of panic again but I managed to overcome it. I spent most of the time listening to the conversation of the two women in front of me.

I got my cheeseburger (which was 99p, they were 69p the last time I bought one!) and sat alone at a table. It was a table for four, and I felt a little uneasy in case a group of four would want to sit together but couldn’t because the selfish girl sat alone was taking a whole table to herself. When I sat down I noticed there were a few other tables for four available, so I didn’t worry about it too much. Ordinarily I would take my coat off to eat but I only had a short-sleeved top on underneath and didn’t want my fat upper arms on show. I had to fold the sleeves over because they were long and it was a cream coat, and I could just see myself getting them dirty. I felt a bit of a wally doing it though.

Obviously, having only ordered a cheeseburger, I was finished quite quickly – though I ate it more slowly than I usually would through fear of looking greedy. And usually, once I’ve finished eating in a restaurant as soon as possible for two reasons: a) the longer I stick around the more likely I am to get bored then start thinking things that make me anxious, and b) because of IBS, meals are often followed by bad stomach pains (especially after beef) and the need to use the toilet. But instead I stayed for a bit. Not long, maybe ten minutes or so, but I couldn’t have stayed too long as I was meeting my parents in town.

I wasn’t too anxious sitting there, which I think was partly because I knew I could get up and leave at any point. I did a bit of people-watching, and after a few minutes read some e-mails on my phone (in the process looking a bit like I was texting someone and thus not looking too friendless ).

After I left I looked in a few shops and waited for my dad to call to say they were out of the doctors’, which they did after about 20 minutes. I did get some stomach cramps a few minutes after leaving McDonald’s, and had a bit of a wobble about it, but I ignored them and they went away.

- A few things I noticed while I was out:

• No one was looking/staring at or even noticing me. Although I already know this, I still feel self-conscious.
• Despite already knowing how much money I have in my purse, having looked through it before leaving, I always worry when I go to pay for things that it will be empty/I won’t have enough to pay for things and have to put something back. Although I’m not so bad now I would often check at least once on the way to wherever I was heading. I’m not really sure what I think will have happened, whether I miscounted, imagined counting it/remembered an amount from a different day, or that it will have just disappeared magically.
• I worry too much about having food around my face. When I’m with someone I will wipe around my mouth, ask them if I have food anywhere, then wipe again a few more times even if they said no. I wiped my face more while I was alone as there was no one there to check for me.

So overall I was pretty pleased with myself. I managed one of my fears/goals and felt low anxiety through most of it.

A Success I Forgot About

I completely forgot about this ‘success’, or string of successes if you prefer.

As I mentioned in my about page, I take propranolol to help with my anxiety. I take one 40mg tablet every morning, and then one any time I get physical symptoms of anxiety (this was prescribed, I don’t just take them willy-nilly ). Usually when I’m going out somewhere unknown or stressful, or alone e.g. to a shop (not the one that’s three minutes away, but anything further), to town or to my CBT appointments, I will take between one and four of these. I take them from two hours before I go, although I try to wait until just one hour before so I don’t end up taking too many, and so they’ll be more effective.

While I take them when I start to feel physical symptoms of anxiety, I think they sometimes have a placebo effect. As I know that they treat the physical symptoms I kind of feel a bit more relaxed as the ‘physical sensations’ (as they’re usually called in CBT) feed the emotions, which then feed the physical sensations, etc. But take out the physical symptoms (or at least, reduce them) and you’re not worrying about them so much, so are feeling less emotional symptoms, which produce less physical symptoms. So all-round, while I still do feel anxious, it’s nowhere near as bad as it could be.

So, usually I would take one, or few, depending on the situation. But throughout my challenge I haven’t taken any – except the daily one. I don’t think this was a conscious decision, I was probably too spurred on by determination to think about it.

I suppose taking the propranolol is a safety behaviour, as I was relying on it to relieve my anxiety, and obviously if I found myself without it – or knew I wouldn’t have enough – it would make me panic more. So I have dropped a safety behaviour without even realising it.  I imagine I will possibly need to take it again in more stressful situations, but now I know I don’t need it in order to be less anxious.

Day 9

Yesterday went a little better than the previous one. I went to the further shop, which was a 30 minute walk all-round. I was less anxious too, which was a bit of a confidence-boost. There was a point, on the way to the shop, where my legs were starting to ache  and I worried about how painful they might be on the way home. Silly little things like that worry me. I kind of thought if they hurt this much now, what if they hurt so much on the way home I can’t carry on? which I know is ridiculous, but when you’re scared of something logic goes out of the window.

Another problem I have is excessive sweating.

Day 7

Yesterday was OK. By the time I was ready to go out it was getting dark and I didn’t really know where to go. I couldn’t go too far because it was getting dark, and there’s nowhere that close to actually go to. In fact, other than town there isn’t really anywhere to go. So I just kind of walked around some of the streets near my house. It was quite a nice walk, though I was a bit cold, and lasted about 20 minutes.

I almost didn’t go out at all. While I was putting on make up (I won’t go out with no make up on, I don’t have very good skin) I was kind of trying to talk myself out of it. There were all the usual excuses: it’s too dark, there’s nowhere to go, it’s too much of a hassle, etc… But I went anyway and I’m glad I did.

I read another chapter of CBT for Dummies before bed, chapter four I think it was. The more I read it the more I understand what my CBT therapist has been trying to do.  It’s a good book so far, it makes a lot of sense.

Day 4

I cancelled my CBT appointment.

One reason was that I didn’t feel too well, but the main reason was that not much had happened and I felt it would be a waste of the couple of appointments I had left. “What have you been up to lately?”, “Oh, not much. I hurt my leg and can’t walk much.” That’s not really an hour’s conversation, is it?

When I woke up I listened to a relaxation or anxiety app on my phone. I forgot which one, but I don’t really think it helped. I think I was  too tired from oversleeping. I’ve been wearing a new eye mask to bed lately. I often wear one if I have the TV on while trying to sleep. But this new one is a travel one and really blocks out the light. I’ve been waking up in the morning and because the mask is so dark I don’t realise what time it is. It’s only when I finally wake up, look at the clock and see it’s 11 AM, that I panic and rush up. It’s kind of like when you put a blanket or sheet over a parrot’s cage to trick it into thinking it’s night time.

So not a lot more happened. I never left the house (fail).  But last night I read the first chapter of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. I hope to read a chapter a night.

Day 3

Today I went to the local Co-Op. As I said in my last post it is only a three minute walk but I do still get flustered going there. I didn’t get to go until fairly late, mainly because I got up late. I woke up at 11 AM, which is late even for me. But I couldn’t get to sleep last night and I have a sleep mask which blocks the light out so I had no idea what time it was (for all I knew it was early morning) until I removed it.

So after showering, getting dressed/made up, a bit of house work and catching up on last night’s Big Brother with my mum (yes, I watch BB and I love it :p ) it was 5 PM and pretty dark. Normally I go to the shop at this time and it’s just starting to get darker outside, but I forgot that the clocks went back a while ago, and wow, it was dark. So that added to the anxiety a little bit. I don’t think I’ve been out alone after dark… ever. And though I knew it was still early and there were a few people on the fairly well lit streets, I was still judging everyone as a kidnapper/rapist/murderer, even the old lady I passed.

So, despite my leg (yes, it still hurts, and is a bitch in jeans) the trip was successful. I think I have gone to that shop so many times I’m pretty comfortable going. I still experience slight anxiety, but I can cope with it. If only everywhere was like that…

Tomorrow I have my 18th or possibly 19th CBT session, and you only get 20. I think this is one of the things that make me most anxious. While it has helped a tiny bit, it is still talking about feelings and raking up the past and bad experiences with a stranger.

I plan to read a chapter from an anxiety self-help book tonight, and listen to a hypnosis app on my phone.

Day 1 – Nov 5th

So, here I am, at the end of the first day of my challenge. It went well but I did hit a snag.

My goal is to go out (mainly walking somewhere: either to a certain place, or just walking around the streets for a bit) at least once every day. Depending on where I’m going and what I am facing on the day, that is not too difficult. I still get butterflies before a five minute walk around the block, but I’m fairly calm because I know I’m not too far from home and will be relatively ‘safe’.

In doing this I am hoping to gain confidence in being out (in particular alone - though that’s a complicated subject) and lose a bit of weight (and God knows I need to).

So, on to today: