And I’m Back

As I said in my last post, I am resuming my challenge now my tribunal and course are out of the way. I have a few updates for you.

Tribunal

Day 22

Yesterday was another success.

We all went for a big family meal – there was 15 of us I think. It was in a pub which I’ve been to a few times. I am usually fine with eating in a casual pub setting with my parents and sister. We used to go somewhere once a week but lately money has been tight and we haven’t been out for ages. And usually when we went out we ate then went home (obviously we chatted too ). But when extended family or friends come too there’s usually a long wait for the food, then everyone sits around chatting afterwards. Now I’m fine with the chatting – I can speak to family without being too anxious – but as I mentioned before I have IBS, and a little after eating I usually need the toilet or have stomach pains. On this occasion, thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Before we left I experienced a short burst of very slight anxiety, but I managed to overcome it. Luckily my experience of restaurants has been fairly positive, so that made me feel better about it.

The meal itself took about 40 minutes to arrive, and when I found out it would be t hat long, I did feel a tiny amount of anxiety, but again I overcame it. There were three small children in our group (my niece and nephew from the last post, and my brother’s girlfriend’s daughter) so their parents took them outside to play on the pub’s climbing frame. I was left with the older members of the family which started to get a little boring so I went outside and sat with the others. I felt a little anxious again when I first sat down because the others aren’t close close family, but it didn’t last long. It all went OK and we chatted quite easily, which then made me anxious again for a second. It sounds weird that something positive made me anxious but it did. While we were just sat there talking I tuned out of the conversation and thought about how I was just sitting there with them ‘like a normal person’. I’m not sure why that made me anxious, maybe it was because I was labelling myself ‘abnormal’. Or maybe because by recognising I can be/act ‘normal’, I could possibly have done it years ago, avoided becoming totally anxious and not missed out on nine years of ‘life’. Whatever it was, I didn’t dwell on it because I didn’t want to break the normalcy and start panicking.

Then the rest of the time outside and the meal itself went pretty well and I didn’t feel anxious at all.

 

On another note: I have, since Friday I think, stopped taking my daily propranolol. My GP said it isn’t addictive but I’ve looked it up and some people have had withdrawal symptoms and some haven’t. I’ll continue not taking it (except if I feel I need it in certain situations) and see if it affects me. Hopefully it won’t.

Day 14

Yesterday was another success, yay! It was around 3:00 PM when I was in the middle of getting ready to go out. I was putting on some make up and wondering where I should go, when I remembered my mum had a doctor’s appointment at about 4PM. The doctors’ surgery is about two streets away from the town centre so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for me to go with her and my dad and walk into town from there.

In the car on the way to the surgery I did suddenly get a wave of panic and asked myself what the hell I was doing, what if I have a panic attack, etc. etc. This was all internally, my parents had no idea what was happening. I can’t exactly remember what I did to calm myself down, I probably told myself that I’d been there before and it had been fine, that it wouldn’t be for long, or that I could sit on a bench outside the doctors’/wait by the car. Or possibly a combination of all three. Whatever it was, it worked.

I started to feel anxious again during the walk from the surgery into town, but carried on. When I got there I kind of wanted to do a little extra, push myself a bit. So I decided to go into McDonald’s, alone. Being in a restaurant (I include fast food places as ‘restaurants’) alone is one of my fears, I actually went through it with my CBT counsellor. She got me to list all the things that scared me about it. I can’t remember them all now, but I’ll have a go off the top of my head…

• having a panic attack – obviously this is the main fear that the anxiety/panic centres around, which in this instance then branches into two sub-fears: having a panic attack in a public place; and having a panic attack alone (not forgetting being ‘far’ from home – my ‘safe place’, and fairly far from my parents – my ‘safe people’)
• having to leave my food in order to ‘escape’ and drawing attention to myself/the situation
• falling/spilling food (obviously this is also the case when eating with others but would be 1000x worse alone)
• being thought of as ‘friendless’  - this is not as big a deal as it was when I was a teenager, when anyone alone would be judged a ‘loner’, but it still is a tiny issue
• being thought of as ‘greedy’ – overweight girl eating alone in McDonald’s (they wouldn’t know I haven’t been in there for nearly a year)
• a group of teenagers showing off and deciding to pick on/make fun of someone sitting by themselves (it’s a long-shot but come on, we all know what teens can be like)

That’s all I can think of, and was probably my list.

Anyway, as I approached McDonald’s I saw that it was busy and there was a long queue, so I decided against it and walked past. I considered going into KFC, which is the next busiest place in town, but instead turned around and went back to McDonald’s. I figured if I was going to do it, I might as well go with my original plan.

I queued for 11 minutes (yes, I timed it ) and when I first joined the back of the queue I felt a wave of panic again but I managed to overcome it. I spent most of the time listening to the conversation of the two women in front of me.

I got my cheeseburger (which was 99p, they were 69p the last time I bought one!) and sat alone at a table. It was a table for four, and I felt a little uneasy in case a group of four would want to sit together but couldn’t because the selfish girl sat alone was taking a whole table to herself. When I sat down I noticed there were a few other tables for four available, so I didn’t worry about it too much. Ordinarily I would take my coat off to eat but I only had a short-sleeved top on underneath and didn’t want my fat upper arms on show. I had to fold the sleeves over because they were long and it was a cream coat, and I could just see myself getting them dirty. I felt a bit of a wally doing it though.

Obviously, having only ordered a cheeseburger, I was finished quite quickly – though I ate it more slowly than I usually would through fear of looking greedy. And usually, once I’ve finished eating in a restaurant as soon as possible for two reasons: a) the longer I stick around the more likely I am to get bored then start thinking things that make me anxious, and b) because of IBS, meals are often followed by bad stomach pains (especially after beef) and the need to use the toilet. But instead I stayed for a bit. Not long, maybe ten minutes or so, but I couldn’t have stayed too long as I was meeting my parents in town.

I wasn’t too anxious sitting there, which I think was partly because I knew I could get up and leave at any point. I did a bit of people-watching, and after a few minutes read some e-mails on my phone (in the process looking a bit like I was texting someone and thus not looking too friendless ).

After I left I looked in a few shops and waited for my dad to call to say they were out of the doctors’, which they did after about 20 minutes. I did get some stomach cramps a few minutes after leaving McDonald’s, and had a bit of a wobble about it, but I ignored them and they went away.

- A few things I noticed while I was out:

• No one was looking/staring at or even noticing me. Although I already know this, I still feel self-conscious.
• Despite already knowing how much money I have in my purse, having looked through it before leaving, I always worry when I go to pay for things that it will be empty/I won’t have enough to pay for things and have to put something back. Although I’m not so bad now I would often check at least once on the way to wherever I was heading. I’m not really sure what I think will have happened, whether I miscounted, imagined counting it/remembered an amount from a different day, or that it will have just disappeared magically.
• I worry too much about having food around my face. When I’m with someone I will wipe around my mouth, ask them if I have food anywhere, then wipe again a few more times even if they said no. I wiped my face more while I was alone as there was no one there to check for me.

So overall I was pretty pleased with myself. I managed one of my fears/goals and felt low anxiety through most of it.

Day 6

Yesterday was a lot better.

I actually went out for a fairly decent amount of time which was manageable thanks to my leg stocking (last mention of this, I swear). I went to a Co-Op, but not the closest one. Where I live there is a Co-Op ‘just around the corner’, which takes about three minutes to walk to. However, further up the same road, another ten minutes, is a larger Co-Op. I decided to go there yesterday no matter what.

I have made this journey a few times, and it’s quite a nice walk: 25-30 minutes there and back, including shopping. I did listen to my iPod though, which is kind of ‘cheating’ as it takes my mind off the anxiety a bit. Eventually I will go up there without.

However, before I went out, as I was getting ready, I did feel pretty anxious. While I’ve done the journey a few times, it does still affect me. I get nervous about it because it’s a bit further away: if I were to have a panic attack or feel ill, for example, it’s a ten minute walk before I’m home and ‘safe’. Being ill (even slightly) while out is a big fear, along with having a panic attack. These are the main things that stem my agoraphobia and anxiety. I don’t want to be ill or have a panic attack whilst away from home, especially in public. Another problem is being caught short while away from home. I have IBS (sorry, TMI) and cannot use the toilet for a number two anywhere other than home (or at a close relative’s at a push). Unfortunately, with IBS, you don’t often get the chance to wait until you get home. So this is another reason for anxiety. Ironically, the IBS is most likely caused by the anxiety and/or medication for anxiety. And the IBS feeds the anxiety. It’s a lovely vicious circle.

So, yesterday, just before leaving, I experienced stomach pains. This led to me feeling (more) anxious about going to the shop. I thought about waiting until the pains/anxiety subsided until leaving but decided to go anyway, to make it a little more of a challenge. Through CBT I have learnt that staying in and waiting until I felt calm and well is a ‘safety behaviour’ – something you do to calm yourself down and help relieve your anxiety. While they help short-term, in the long run safety behaviours are not a good idea. They maintain the anxiety by feeding it. By running away from it you are letting it ‘win’ and you need to face it to conquer it by doing the things despite the anxiety. But this is of course far easier said than done. In theory, you could just say ‘I am just going to go out and not be scared because going out is not something to be scared of,’ but in practice, it is not that simple. As with any phobia or fear, you can’t just turn it off. If only…

So, I made it. I walked to the Co-Op, went inside and bought something, then crossed the road and went into One Stop, bought something in there too, and came home. I didn’t feel all that anxious while doing it, and actually quite enjoyed the exercise. I did still feel self-conscious though, but I suppose that’s something to work on.