And I’m Back

As I said in my last post, I am resuming my challenge now my tribunal and course are out of the way. I have a few updates for you.

Tribunal

Days 56 – 58 (Happy New Year!)

Well I survived the new year, and if you’re reading this, you probably did too. I hope you had a great time, whatever you did.

I was getting ready to go out for New Year’s Eve when I last posted, and don’t even get me started on the getting ready part. I spent an hour doing my hair, only for it to not go right at all. I was so annoyed. I had to rush my make up because of that (I love applying make up, and the longer it takes me, the better ).  I had some nail stickers I wanted to wear too, and in the end only a small amount of time to apply them. I messed them up too, so that also annoyed me. It was about 11 PM at this point so I quickly applied some gold glittery nail varnish. I then realised I wasn’t dressed and still hadn’t done anything with my hair. So I rushed to get dressed and completely smudged my nails. I managed to apply another coat which only messed up a little while I did my hair. Fortunately it was a clear base with glitter so it didn’t look too bad. I just wore my hair down in the end, nothing special.

My dad came to pick me up at about 11:20 PM. My mum had told me the whole night would be over at about 12:15 so I was not too anxious about going. But while I was getting ready to leave he said that the last orders are called at 12:50. Suddenly the thought of being there for about 1 1/2 hours really caused me to panic. I suppose it was that I was so used to the idea I’d be there for 3/4 hour – an hour max., that it came as a shock. I was so anxious  - I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It’s like my brain seems to believe I am incapable of being somewhere for over half an hour without having a panic attack. I took a couple of Propranolol tablets and got in the car, trying to calm myself down on the way there. As we pulled into the car park I had to tell my dad I was feeling anxious and asked if we could wait a minute until I calmed down. I told him why I felt anxious and got reassurance from him that, hypothetically, I could go home at around 12:15, if that was when he started taking people home. That calmed me down a lot, though it’s just a safety behaviour and I shouldn’t have done it. However, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have been able to go in.

Day 29

Yesterday I went shopping in Portsmouth. For anyone who doesn’t know, Portsmouth is a big city (compared to here anyway), and it’s about a half an hour’s drive from here.

I had to get up early (in fact we left before I normally get up ) and being tired makes me so much more anxious, which wasn’t great. On top of that I’m still ill and yesterday felt awful. I almost decided to stay at home but I really wanted to go – I wanted to get some Christmas presents and go to some decent clothes shops.

My sister was due to go out for Sunday dinner with her boyfriend and his family (you feel so pathetic when your 15-year-old sister has a boyfriend while you’re stuck at home like a spinster, but that’s another story) so the plan was for my dad to bring her back after two hours, and for my mum and I to come home with my aunt and uncle (the ones who have just moved out). I was a bit wary about doing that though as they are so slow and it takes them at least twice as long to go around a shopping centre than the average person. I was worried I would get bored and start to panic.

However, as I was feeling ill I decided to go home with my dad and sister. That meant we had two hours shopping. I planned to leave my parents and go around with my sister, which as I mentioned in a previous post, is slightly anxiety-inducing (because having a panic attack with my sister present would be slightly weird, which makes me more anxious). As I was getting ready I felt quite anxious – I got the hot, tingly feeling that usually precedes a panic attack. I think it was a mixture of being tired, feeling ill, Portsmouth being far and unfamiliar, and being separated from my parents. But fortunately I overcame it and it went well.

I only managed to get to five shops in those two hours, and would have preferred to shop in them longer. But fortunately I wasn’t anxious, so it was a success!

Living on Benefits and My Current Situation

The title of this post should be Not Living on Benefits right now.

So all of my adult life I have had to receive a state benefit. I hate it. I feel like a ‘scrounger’ or some kind of fraud. Technically I’m not either but it’s because I’m not physically unable to work I feel like I don’t deserve any money. People do point out that certain benefits are there for people ‘like me’, which is true, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. And what makes things worse is that people think that those on benefits are scroungers and frauds, and that it’s an easy life. Yes, some people are, but I’d imagine most people aren’t. So here’s my personal case.

I have been receiving Incapacity Benefit for several years. There was another one before that but I had to switch. I can’t remember what that one was called. Anyway, I get paid around £105 a week, paid fortnightly. Some people will probably think that’s a lot, others will think it’s ridiculous. I think it’s a fair amount considering I’m not working. However, I pay my parents £50 a week ‘rent’, which again I think is fair as I am living under their roof, using their electricity etc. This is not taken into account with the DWP who believe that as I’m living with family I’m living rent-free. So that leaves me with £55 a week to spend on food, toiletries, clothes, phone credit (I could never afford a contract) and any luxuries I may be able to afford. On top of that I have to pay for prescriptions, which is five medications every 1-2 months depending on the dosage at £7.20 each. And I have to pay for dental appointments/treatment, and optical appointments and glasses. It’s definitely not an ‘easy life’.

Which brings me on to my current situation. Incapacity Benefit is being phased out and those on it need to move to another benefit, Employment and Support Allowance. But it’s not as simple as just switching, I had to fill out a long form, then have a medical examination, to prove you can’t work (you also have to have one every 1-2 years while on benefits). Which again is fair enough. However, practically all the questions are about what you can do physically, and physically I am fine (other than needing to lose some weight). And the questions regarding mental health are not exactly relevant – for example, am I violent, can I wash and dress myself, can I cope with change. Whenever I have one of these exams I am anxious from the moment I find out about it right up until it’s over. Which can be several months of anxiety which makes me even less able to go out. I can’t go to the medical centre they’re held in so I have to have a home visit.

So I had my home visit, dosing myself up on Propranolol beforehand to try to make sure I didn’t have a panic attack during. My mum was in the room next door as I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I was alone in the house. The guy was nice though English wasn’t his native language so I did have trouble understanding him at times. When it was finished he said he would ‘do his best for me’, which I thought was nice. However, a couple of months later I received a letter telling me I failed the exam. You need to score 15 points to receive the benefit and I scored 6. I had a feeling it would be low as my mum had an exam two years before because she was having chemotherapy. When she had had her last chemo session she had to have the assessment, and she scored 0 points. That’s right – zero. A woman who was still recovering from cancer and (aggressive) chemotherapy scored no points because she was able to lift her arm and wash and dress herself. She also had to prove she had cancer by bringing along all her hospital records, when she had all her chemotherapy and radiotherapy, everything. I think she had to have blood tests too. She had the choice to appeal the decision but refused because she had been through enough, so she had to return to work. She’s a professional cleaner and she works quickly. Two months later (or possibly less) she had a heart attack. She still refused to stay off work and returned as soon as she could, because again she didn’t want to have to go through it all.

I also had the choice to appeal. I did though because going out to work, right now, is not an option. My Incapacity Benefit stopped on 19th October and I had one month (from 27th September) to send off an appeal form, explaining why I disagreed with their decision, and to send ‘evidence’. My CBT counsellor helped me to write it and I sent it off. About a month later, having had no response, my dad called (I can’t speak to people on the phone – unless they’re family) and they said they were waiting for ‘evidence’. I had written on the form my CBT counsellor’s details and my GP’s details and that they could phone, but they actually wanted a medical certificate. This had been holding up my ‘claim’. My GP was very helpful and wrote one as soon as possible. However, the next day I received a letter to say they had looked at the appeal and still hadn’t changed their minds. The letter itself was sent out the day before my dad called them, so I can only imagine they made their decision partly based on the lack of ‘evidence’. So he called them again and they said that they weren’t involved and it was the Incapacity Benefit people’s job. So eventually they sorted it and I had to send my medical certificate to them.

But this was a few days ago and I still don’t know what’s going on. If the medical certificate is being handled by the Incapacity guys does that mean my ESA appeal was still rejected? If so that means it has to go to a tribunal. I can’t attend that myself but I can have a representative. Which then means I have to go over it all again with another stranger and still might get turned down. If that happens I don’t know what I’m going to do. But right now I have no money, but extra anxiety. Brilliant.