Days 103 – 112

OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.

But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

Days 95 – 102

I haven’t been out a lot this past week or so. I’ve had to complete two assignments for this week so I’ve been slaving over them. I’ve been to the local shops a few times, as ever.

On Friday my mum had a doctor’s appointment -she needed a cortisone injection. She wanted me to go with her because my dad was working and she didn’t want to go alone. This, for some reason, made me feel pretty anxious. I’m not sure why, though if I had to think of something it would probably be because of all the waiting around. The thought of sitting in the waiting room (it’s been up to an hour in the past) and then sitting in the doctor’s room while my mum was being injected just made me feel anxious. The receptionist said my mum would need a double appointment, which made me think it would be a long time.

We were probably in the building for about seven minutes. I had built it up so much in my head that it was going to take ages, and that I would probably start to have a panic attack because it would take so long – I even took a Propranolol. So I did feel kind of stupid afterwards. Though it’s better to feel stupid than to have suffered a panic attack.

Yesterday my mum and I went into town. Today’s my sister’s birthday and we both needed to get her a card and presents (I got her paints, if you’re wondering ). That all went fairly well except my shoes were rubbing and have given me a blister, and I had a really heavy bag.

I’ve also just remembered I went to town last week – some time between the last post and this. I thought I’d already written about it but clearly not. Anyway, I went alone and ate alone in KFC.

Days 56 – 58 (Happy New Year!)

Well I survived the new year, and if you’re reading this, you probably did too. I hope you had a great time, whatever you did.

I was getting ready to go out for New Year’s Eve when I last posted, and don’t even get me started on the getting ready part. I spent an hour doing my hair, only for it to not go right at all. I was so annoyed. I had to rush my make up because of that (I love applying make up, and the longer it takes me, the better ).  I had some nail stickers I wanted to wear too, and in the end only a small amount of time to apply them. I messed them up too, so that also annoyed me. It was about 11 PM at this point so I quickly applied some gold glittery nail varnish. I then realised I wasn’t dressed and still hadn’t done anything with my hair. So I rushed to get dressed and completely smudged my nails. I managed to apply another coat which only messed up a little while I did my hair. Fortunately it was a clear base with glitter so it didn’t look too bad. I just wore my hair down in the end, nothing special.

My dad came to pick me up at about 11:20 PM. My mum had told me the whole night would be over at about 12:15 so I was not too anxious about going. But while I was getting ready to leave he said that the last orders are called at 12:50. Suddenly the thought of being there for about 1 1/2 hours really caused me to panic. I suppose it was that I was so used to the idea I’d be there for 3/4 hour – an hour max., that it came as a shock. I was so anxious  - I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It’s like my brain seems to believe I am incapable of being somewhere for over half an hour without having a panic attack. I took a couple of Propranolol tablets and got in the car, trying to calm myself down on the way there. As we pulled into the car park I had to tell my dad I was feeling anxious and asked if we could wait a minute until I calmed down. I told him why I felt anxious and got reassurance from him that, hypothetically, I could go home at around 12:15, if that was when he started taking people home. That calmed me down a lot, though it’s just a safety behaviour and I shouldn’t have done it. However, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have been able to go in.

Days 36 – 39

I’m such an idiot, I completely forgot to update this blog.

I don’t believe I went out on Sunday, though I can’t actually remember. I probably didn’t.

On Monday I got ready to go to town. I was going to walk in and ask my dad to pick me up. But then it rained, and I wasn’t prepared to get soaking for no reason.

On Tuesday I had my CBT appointment, and if you follow me on Twitter, or saw it on the widget, I was pretty anxious about it. The main reason was that I hadn’t been for a while, and it was kind of a ‘new’ experience again. But it’s also because you’re sitting in a room with someone relatively ‘unknown’ for about an hour with no reasonable ‘escape’. I mean, if I were to have a panic attack, there would be no way to excuse myself and pretend I need the toilet/don’t feel well or whatever; she would know. Plus it’s an environment where you’re talking about anxiety, about the feelings associated with anxiety, etc.. And thinking and talking about it, can make me more anxious.

So, all day Tuesday I felt anxious: from the moment I woke up until the appointment itself. There was that ache-y, butterflies feeling in my chest/stomach all day and I couldn’t shake it off. Despite telling myself that it was my second-last appointment and we would only be talking about where I would go next, I still felt completely anxious. The night before, however, I downloaded an MP3 of Paul McKenna’s on agoraphobia. And at about 11:30 Tuesday morning, four and a half hours before my appointment, I listened to it.

It was half an hour long and I was pretty tired, and I can barely remember any of it. I only really remember counting backwards from 300 in my head. I drifted off to sleep for a few seconds about three times, right at the end, and woke while he was counting back from ten for you to ‘wake up’ and come out of the trance-like state you’re in. The odd thing is, when I woke up, the feeling of anxiety had gone. The physical feelings I had felt since waking earlier that morning had completely disappeared. And even when I thought about the appointment, I felt pretty calm about it. And I remained in that state from 12 PM until about 3:30, when I had to get ready to leave.

I don’t know what it was – whether it was the actual MP3, or the fact I got a little more sleep, or a mixture of both – but I was really relaxed afterwards and not physically anxious at all. I don’t believe it is a miracle MP3, and I haven’t tried it since, but it helped a lot.

Anyway, in the car on the way to the doctors’ surgery, where the appointment was held, I did begin to feel really anxious. I even felt the pre-panic attack tingling/burning feeling. So I took a propranolol. It helped a little, but I was still very anxious. When we pulled into the car park, I felt it again and took another propranolol.

The last time I saw the counsellor she asked me to try to wait in the waiting area alone, as usually my dad waits with me. I’ve never specifically asked him to, but he does. I would imagine that this is mainly because he just expects me to want him to (which I do), and also because he usually asked what time she expects us to finish, so he knows when to pick me up.

So I made my way from the underground car park, into the surgery, alone for the first time. It was fairly nerve-wracking, but I carried on, signing myself in using the machine (which had no recollection of my appointment, but  that often happens) and sitting outside the room we normally meet in. I was still pretty anxious, but I read some e-mails on my phone, Tweeted about how anxious I was, and started playing a game. When she came out I felt a sudden burst of anxiety, which then subsided a little, and we went inside.

I was trembling when I was in there, but it wasn’t anxiety-related. I get it sometimes… I think it’s a form of hypoglycaemia or something, and when I get it it does tend to make me feel more anxious. But that subsided after a while (probably thanks to the banana I had in the car) and I felt better all-round.

Before I left I wrote out a small list of everything I’d done since the beginning of this blog (without mentioning the blog itself, I wouldn’t really be comfortable with someone I know in real life reading it, not even family), and she seemed pretty impressed. She seemed genuinely ‘happy for me’, not in a patronising kind of way. We just talked about what I’d done and how I should try to progress, and fortunately I stopped feeling anxious (well, I’d still say I was maybe 3 or 4/10, if I were rating it – but that’s low for me).

So my next appointment is my last appointment, which is a scary prospect. I suppose I have improved a little over the twenty sessions (over about a year, maybe a little longer), though I think I’ve progressed most during this challenge. That’s probably because I’m really trying to push myself now, and it helps that I’m writing it down (when I remember ). I just hope I can continue until I can lead a reasonably ‘normal’ life. And if I could really achieve my goal of being anxiety-free by November, I would be over the moon. *fingers crossed*

 

Yesterday I went to town, alone. I cheated and got my dad to give me a lift there and back, but in my defence it was really cold out. I went into Subway and ate alone (and Tweeted about it ), which is a big thing for me. The Subway in my town is really small, and there were only four other people in there. If it had been slightly busier it would have been easier as there would be more people for others to notice/look at, if that makes any sense. Though if it had been really busy it would have been even harder. It’s quite a complex thing. Regardless, I did it, and felt fairly little anxiety, although one woman in there did appear to keep looking/staring at me, which was a little off-putting.

I did a little Christmas shopping after that and then called my dad to pick me up. I wasn’t there long, probably less than an hour, but as I’ve mentioned previously, it’s a very small town. And I had very little money. But it was a successful trip as I was hardly anxious.

Days 33 – 35

I didn’t go out Thursday or Friday as I was still feeling ill. I feel a lot better know though – my cough is pretty much gone.

On Friday though, my CBT counsellor phoned. I haven’t been to see her since October, I think. I had been meaning to call (by that I mean, meaning to get my dad to call) to make another appointment, but things have been pretty hectic with my aunt and uncle staying etc.. Anyway, we have arranged an appointment for Tuesday. I felt surprisingly anxious when we arranged it, and for a while after. Well, I say ‘surprisingly’, but it’s not really. I’m always anxious about going. I worry I’ll have a panic attack or even cry, neither of which I want to do. I cried once at an appointment, but I’ve never had a panic attack. *touches wood* I’ve nearly always been very close though, and dosed up on propranolol. I would like to try to go without propranolol this time, I don’t know how successful I’ll be though.

I’d like to think of it as slightly surprising though, feeling the anxiety, as I’ve been a lot more confident lately from going out more. Plus I only have two more appointments left so if I did ‘embarrass’ myself by panicking or crying, I’d only ever see her one more time.

I’ve also been feeling a little ill lately (have I mentioned that? ) and have been tired, so that makes me more anxious. I’ll try to get some more sleep so when Tuesday comes I’ll be a bit more confident.

 

Yesterday I went to Tesco with my dad. It wasn’t that big a deal as a) I was with my dad, and b) we weren’t there long (we were looking for a Kindle for my mum for Christmas). But still, it was out.

Days 30 and 31

On Monday I didn’t go out at all because I felt ill. I went back to bed a little after I got up. I was coughing literally every 30 seconds or so.

Unfortunately I couldn’t get to sleep Monday night, partly because of the cough, partly because of a dry mouth (I suffer badly with this), but mostly because I slept too much in the day. Despite going to bed early (10:30 PM), I didn’t manage to sleep until 4 AM.

I got up at about 10:30 yesterday morning, so I was still pretty tired. I had planned to walk into town and ask my dad to collect me but I still felt ill. I got ready to go out anyway and when he got back from work I asked him if he could drop me off and pick me up. Luckily he agreed, if I went there and then. I felt a little anxiety as I put on my shoes and coat, as it was so sudden and I had no time to think about how I’ve been to town alone a few times now and it’s fine. My brain just kind of went into oh my god, you’re going out now mode and I had the slight butterflies in stomach feeling, but I managed to ignore it and it all went well. I never felt any noticeable anxiety.While I was in one shop I saw a girl I was friends with years ago. We only really knew each other through a dance group we both belonged to but we were quite good friends (and are now ‘friends’ on Facebook). I really wanted to just say hello to her but I didn’t have the nerve. Not only have we not seen/spoken to one another for years (not because we fell out or anything) but there might have been the awkwardness of her not recognising me. When we last really saw each other I was a lot thinner (and I mean a lot) so there is a chance she wouldn’t have realised who I was. A few years ago I saw a girl I was at school with – we were in the same tutor group and shared a group of friends, therefore saw each other every day – and she didn’t recognise me at first. I was probably about halfway between the weight I was when she last saw me, and the weight I am now, so I doubt many people would recognise me.

So I never said hello to this girl. Not only would the weight issue have been embarrassing, but she might have asked what I’ve been up to/what I do now, and ‘oh nothing, I’ve been agoraphobic for the past nine years’ is not much of an answer.

 

On a more positive note, I have been off propranolol for over a week now, and feel OK.

Day 25

Yesterday I went to the shop that’s 10-15 minutes away. It’s One Stop, so in the future I will just refer to it as that. I was planning to just walk around but my dad said we needed milk so I said I’d get some while I was out. He also asked me to buy some lottery tickets for him and my mum, which would involve me asking for something. I don’t like doing that. I don’t know why, I just don’t. It makes me feel really shy. However I did it and it was fine.

I was to-ing and fro-ing about where I was going to go as I wasn’t sure I could be bothered to go to One Stop, but I did. I bought the lottery tickets in there and then the milk in the smaller, closer shop (Co Op) on the way home, so it was a double-whammy.

I did notice on the way there that I felt very, very little anxiety, and had felt very little before I left so that was a bonus. I also noticed I haven’t been sweating so much lately, and I wonder if it’s because it’s been colder or because I’m not taking Propranolol. Thinking about it, the sweating seems to have been worse since I started taking it (either late last year or early this one), though that might just be my mind trying to make a connection. I will keep an eye on it.

Day 22

Yesterday was another success.

We all went for a big family meal – there was 15 of us I think. It was in a pub which I’ve been to a few times. I am usually fine with eating in a casual pub setting with my parents and sister. We used to go somewhere once a week but lately money has been tight and we haven’t been out for ages. And usually when we went out we ate then went home (obviously we chatted too ). But when extended family or friends come too there’s usually a long wait for the food, then everyone sits around chatting afterwards. Now I’m fine with the chatting – I can speak to family without being too anxious – but as I mentioned before I have IBS, and a little after eating I usually need the toilet or have stomach pains. On this occasion, thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Before we left I experienced a short burst of very slight anxiety, but I managed to overcome it. Luckily my experience of restaurants has been fairly positive, so that made me feel better about it.

The meal itself took about 40 minutes to arrive, and when I found out it would be t hat long, I did feel a tiny amount of anxiety, but again I overcame it. There were three small children in our group (my niece and nephew from the last post, and my brother’s girlfriend’s daughter) so their parents took them outside to play on the pub’s climbing frame. I was left with the older members of the family which started to get a little boring so I went outside and sat with the others. I felt a little anxious again when I first sat down because the others aren’t close close family, but it didn’t last long. It all went OK and we chatted quite easily, which then made me anxious again for a second. It sounds weird that something positive made me anxious but it did. While we were just sat there talking I tuned out of the conversation and thought about how I was just sitting there with them ‘like a normal person’. I’m not sure why that made me anxious, maybe it was because I was labelling myself ‘abnormal’. Or maybe because by recognising I can be/act ‘normal’, I could possibly have done it years ago, avoided becoming totally anxious and not missed out on nine years of ‘life’. Whatever it was, I didn’t dwell on it because I didn’t want to break the normalcy and start panicking.

Then the rest of the time outside and the meal itself went pretty well and I didn’t feel anxious at all.

 

On another note: I have, since Friday I think, stopped taking my daily propranolol. My GP said it isn’t addictive but I’ve looked it up and some people have had withdrawal symptoms and some haven’t. I’ll continue not taking it (except if I feel I need it in certain situations) and see if it affects me. Hopefully it won’t.