Days 56 – 58 (Happy New Year!)

Well I survived the new year, and if you’re reading this, you probably did too. I hope you had a great time, whatever you did.

I was getting ready to go out for New Year’s Eve when I last posted, and don’t even get me started on the getting ready part. I spent an hour doing my hair, only for it to not go right at all. I was so annoyed. I had to rush my make up because of that (I love applying make up, and the longer it takes me, the better ).  I had some nail stickers I wanted to wear too, and in the end only a small amount of time to apply them. I messed them up too, so that also annoyed me. It was about 11 PM at this point so I quickly applied some gold glittery nail varnish. I then realised I wasn’t dressed and still hadn’t done anything with my hair. So I rushed to get dressed and completely smudged my nails. I managed to apply another coat which only messed up a little while I did my hair. Fortunately it was a clear base with glitter so it didn’t look too bad. I just wore my hair down in the end, nothing special.

My dad came to pick me up at about 11:20 PM. My mum had told me the whole night would be over at about 12:15 so I was not too anxious about going. But while I was getting ready to leave he said that the last orders are called at 12:50. Suddenly the thought of being there for about 1 1/2 hours really caused me to panic. I suppose it was that I was so used to the idea I’d be there for 3/4 hour – an hour max., that it came as a shock. I was so anxious  - I was on the verge of having a panic attack. It’s like my brain seems to believe I am incapable of being somewhere for over half an hour without having a panic attack. I took a couple of Propranolol tablets and got in the car, trying to calm myself down on the way there. As we pulled into the car park I had to tell my dad I was feeling anxious and asked if we could wait a minute until I calmed down. I told him why I felt anxious and got reassurance from him that, hypothetically, I could go home at around 12:15, if that was when he started taking people home. That calmed me down a lot, though it’s just a safety behaviour and I shouldn’t have done it. However, if I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have been able to go in.

A Success I Forgot About

I completely forgot about this ‘success’, or string of successes if you prefer.

As I mentioned in my about page, I take propranolol to help with my anxiety. I take one 40mg tablet every morning, and then one any time I get physical symptoms of anxiety (this was prescribed, I don’t just take them willy-nilly ). Usually when I’m going out somewhere unknown or stressful, or alone e.g. to a shop (not the one that’s three minutes away, but anything further), to town or to my CBT appointments, I will take between one and four of these. I take them from two hours before I go, although I try to wait until just one hour before so I don’t end up taking too many, and so they’ll be more effective.

While I take them when I start to feel physical symptoms of anxiety, I think they sometimes have a placebo effect. As I know that they treat the physical symptoms I kind of feel a bit more relaxed as the ‘physical sensations’ (as they’re usually called in CBT) feed the emotions, which then feed the physical sensations, etc. But take out the physical symptoms (or at least, reduce them) and you’re not worrying about them so much, so are feeling less emotional symptoms, which produce less physical symptoms. So all-round, while I still do feel anxious, it’s nowhere near as bad as it could be.

So, usually I would take one, or few, depending on the situation. But throughout my challenge I haven’t taken any – except the daily one. I don’t think this was a conscious decision, I was probably too spurred on by determination to think about it.

I suppose taking the propranolol is a safety behaviour, as I was relying on it to relieve my anxiety, and obviously if I found myself without it – or knew I wouldn’t have enough – it would make me panic more. So I have dropped a safety behaviour without even realising it.  I imagine I will possibly need to take it again in more stressful situations, but now I know I don’t need it in order to be less anxious.

Day 6

Yesterday was a lot better.

I actually went out for a fairly decent amount of time which was manageable thanks to my leg stocking (last mention of this, I swear). I went to a Co-Op, but not the closest one. Where I live there is a Co-Op ‘just around the corner’, which takes about three minutes to walk to. However, further up the same road, another ten minutes, is a larger Co-Op. I decided to go there yesterday no matter what.

I have made this journey a few times, and it’s quite a nice walk: 25-30 minutes there and back, including shopping. I did listen to my iPod though, which is kind of ‘cheating’ as it takes my mind off the anxiety a bit. Eventually I will go up there without.

However, before I went out, as I was getting ready, I did feel pretty anxious. While I’ve done the journey a few times, it does still affect me. I get nervous about it because it’s a bit further away: if I were to have a panic attack or feel ill, for example, it’s a ten minute walk before I’m home and ‘safe’. Being ill (even slightly) while out is a big fear, along with having a panic attack. These are the main things that stem my agoraphobia and anxiety. I don’t want to be ill or have a panic attack whilst away from home, especially in public. Another problem is being caught short while away from home. I have IBS (sorry, TMI) and cannot use the toilet for a number two anywhere other than home (or at a close relative’s at a push). Unfortunately, with IBS, you don’t often get the chance to wait until you get home. So this is another reason for anxiety. Ironically, the IBS is most likely caused by the anxiety and/or medication for anxiety. And the IBS feeds the anxiety. It’s a lovely vicious circle.

So, yesterday, just before leaving, I experienced stomach pains. This led to me feeling (more) anxious about going to the shop. I thought about waiting until the pains/anxiety subsided until leaving but decided to go anyway, to make it a little more of a challenge. Through CBT I have learnt that staying in and waiting until I felt calm and well is a ‘safety behaviour’ – something you do to calm yourself down and help relieve your anxiety. While they help short-term, in the long run safety behaviours are not a good idea. They maintain the anxiety by feeding it. By running away from it you are letting it ‘win’ and you need to face it to conquer it by doing the things despite the anxiety. But this is of course far easier said than done. In theory, you could just say ‘I am just going to go out and not be scared because going out is not something to be scared of,’ but in practice, it is not that simple. As with any phobia or fear, you can’t just turn it off. If only…

So, I made it. I walked to the Co-Op, went inside and bought something, then crossed the road and went into One Stop, bought something in there too, and came home. I didn’t feel all that anxious while doing it, and actually quite enjoyed the exercise. I did still feel self-conscious though, but I suppose that’s something to work on.