Days 103 – 112

OK, so kicking things off with last Wednesday (the 15th). I went to my aunt’s to help her and my uncle with their computer. They wanted to transfer some photos from their old PC to their new laptop, and delete everything from their old PC so they could give it to their grandchildren. My dad was going to take me to their house (it’s too far to walk) and perhaps stick around until I’d finished.

But on this particular day my aunt was already at my house, and my dad was out at work with my uncle, so she suggested she took me to their house, and my dad could take me home when he and my uncle were back. Which we did. But when I was getting into my aunt’s car, I did feel slightly anxious. This was because my dad estimated he’d be home at about 5:30, maybe later. It was only about 4:30 but I just thought ‘what if I’m just hanging around, get bored, and have a panic attack for no reason?’ (this is a common thought I have). But I shrugged it off (or at least I tried) as I’m pretty relaxed with my aunt and uncle, and it wasn’t that long a time.

When we got there it turned out my uncle and dad had already finished work and my dad had actually left for our house, so so much for me worrying about that. I sorted out the computers and by the time I was finished it was 6:30. So so much for ‘hanging around’. On the way home I popped into their local Co Op to look for a birthday cake for my sister (they don’t sell any if you’re wondering ).

I can’t remember what I did on Thursday, I have a feeling I went to town with my mum. And Friday I just went to the shop.

Day 29

Yesterday I went shopping in Portsmouth. For anyone who doesn’t know, Portsmouth is a big city (compared to here anyway), and it’s about a half an hour’s drive from here.

I had to get up early (in fact we left before I normally get up ) and being tired makes me so much more anxious, which wasn’t great. On top of that I’m still ill and yesterday felt awful. I almost decided to stay at home but I really wanted to go – I wanted to get some Christmas presents and go to some decent clothes shops.

My sister was due to go out for Sunday dinner with her boyfriend and his family (you feel so pathetic when your 15-year-old sister has a boyfriend while you’re stuck at home like a spinster, but that’s another story) so the plan was for my dad to bring her back after two hours, and for my mum and I to come home with my aunt and uncle (the ones who have just moved out). I was a bit wary about doing that though as they are so slow and it takes them at least twice as long to go around a shopping centre than the average person. I was worried I would get bored and start to panic.

However, as I was feeling ill I decided to go home with my dad and sister. That meant we had two hours shopping. I planned to leave my parents and go around with my sister, which as I mentioned in a previous post, is slightly anxiety-inducing (because having a panic attack with my sister present would be slightly weird, which makes me more anxious). As I was getting ready I felt quite anxious – I got the hot, tingly feeling that usually precedes a panic attack. I think it was a mixture of being tired, feeling ill, Portsmouth being far and unfamiliar, and being separated from my parents. But fortunately I overcame it and it went well.

I only managed to get to five shops in those two hours, and would have preferred to shop in them longer. But fortunately I wasn’t anxious, so it was a success!

Days 26 and 27

I didn’t think it would be worth posting yesterday as on Thursday I felt ill and didn’t go out.

Yesterday I finally received some benefit. We called up (well, my dad did) on Thursday to see what was going on and they said I would receive six month’s benefit on Friday. I received what would be four week’s worth of what I would normally receive, unless they have chosen to pay me less per week because I’m appealing against their ESA decision. They also said that I would be contacted in due course about the tribunal.

I went to One Stop yesterday, and after that to the large Co-Op across the street, then on the way back went into the smaller Co-Op which is closer to where I live. On the walk up to One Stop I noticed my anxiety was very low, and also that the journey didn’t seem as long as it used to.

One thing I did notice in One Stop, while I was queuing and being served, was that I was quite sweaty. But I don’t think I was sweating as much as usual.

I won’t be posting anything tomorrow as I never went out today – we spent all day putting up our Christmas tree and decorations. Also, my aunt and uncle moved into their new place today, so we have the house free at last!

Day 25

Yesterday I went to the shop that’s 10-15 minutes away. It’s One Stop, so in the future I will just refer to it as that. I was planning to just walk around but my dad said we needed milk so I said I’d get some while I was out. He also asked me to buy some lottery tickets for him and my mum, which would involve me asking for something. I don’t like doing that. I don’t know why, I just don’t. It makes me feel really shy. However I did it and it was fine.

I was to-ing and fro-ing about where I was going to go as I wasn’t sure I could be bothered to go to One Stop, but I did. I bought the lottery tickets in there and then the milk in the smaller, closer shop (Co Op) on the way home, so it was a double-whammy.

I did notice on the way there that I felt very, very little anxiety, and had felt very little before I left so that was a bonus. I also noticed I haven’t been sweating so much lately, and I wonder if it’s because it’s been colder or because I’m not taking Propranolol. Thinking about it, the sweating seems to have been worse since I started taking it (either late last year or early this one), though that might just be my mind trying to make a connection. I will keep an eye on it.

Day 10

Yesterday I went to a shop again. There’s genuinely nowhere else to go around here.  However, I went to a completely different shop altogether. This one is near my grandparents’ house. It’s actually quite far and took 20 minutes to get there. It only took about 10 minutes to get home though as I found a quicker route.

I was pretty pleased with myself after this as not only was it pretty far and ‘unknown’ to me (I have been in there a couple of times), but I was only a little bit anxious. I was of course still rather self-conscious and sweaty (for want of a better word) inside the shop, particularly while being served. It doesn’t help that it’s reasonably cold outside so you need a coat, then shops have their heating on high to keep the staff warm so it’s like an oven when you go in. For people prone to extreme sweating like me, it’s a nightmare.

Still, I did it and feel better for it. I need to find places to go that are not convenience stores. I still have town – which I’d like to attempt this week, but other than that I’m stuck for places to go.

I didn’t read anything last night as I was too tired. I want to re-read everything I’ve read so far before moving on.

Day 9

Yesterday went a little better than the previous one. I went to the further shop, which was a 30 minute walk all-round. I was less anxious too, which was a bit of a confidence-boost. There was a point, on the way to the shop, where my legs were starting to ache  and I worried about how painful they might be on the way home. Silly little things like that worry me. I kind of thought if they hurt this much now, what if they hurt so much on the way home I can’t carry on? which I know is ridiculous, but when you’re scared of something logic goes out of the window.

Another problem I have is excessive sweating.